I know…

You said I would know what I want when it hits me…well it took your absence to tell me that what I want…what I want is…YOU!


Missing You

How is it that I can miss someone I have never met? How can a single month of conversation turn into only a month of conversation and a month of missing you? I have a connection to some awesome guy I met in mid-January and today it came to a head. I cried because I missed him. I can’t even tell him this…he needs the space he needs to heal the hurt he has been through…I respect that…I encourage that…but doesn’t mean I don’t miss him and miss him terribly.

I feel his energy, I feel his emotions, I even feel his ailments at times…why is this? I have been told by many, we are bound to together at the soul level and I believe this. It wasn’t until he left that I began to feel these sensations. To feel his bad days and his good…Sunday was draining…yes I could tell he was having a bad day and it showed on his Facebook…one who posts daily, wasn’t posting at all. I never thought I could have found the one I was looking for the day I was conceived..not conventional conception, but the conception of my soul…we are twin flames…does he know this? Not yet but he will in time, in time when we come together, in time when he has healed the open emotional wounds left by someone who didn’t care. It’s hard to see the suffering of someone you love but it has to be harder to feel the suffering of someone you have never met and have no idea how to find.

Time will heal him and time will bring us closer together and time will even give us the chance to fall in love…but it is also time that is crumbling me into an emotional mess of someone I am not used to being. I healed my wounds of hurt from someone else so I am ready to move forward but he is not and I will wait. I will sit here missing the awesome guy God created to be my other half and wait I must. I will not lower my standards in order to have someone in my life…I will never do that again. I know now the value of waiting and the value of life. My soul has given me the strength to heal him and draw him close.

Time is always a factor and though some of us don’t have a lot of it, I will spend my time wisely. Working on me, means I am working on you…music, writing, dreaming, meditating, and waiting…waiting for YOU!

Not all is lost

shattered on the rocks of time…i lie awake and wonder why you abandoned this heart of mine…why did you think that walking away was a better solution than facing the fear of loving with me…you are the one that needs the help that was never provided to me…I want to be that safety net that you keep cutting out from under me..stop walking through this world with a jaded heart and glazed eyes…you will never know the world as i do because of her…she destroyed a perfectly beautiful soul and for what…her own demise…I will never forgive her for that…you are what this world called for and I will hold you dearly until my last breath…don’t go without saying good bye, don’t go without leaving me something behind…my half beating heart is not what I wanted…I want it to bleed red because of the love you instilled into it…



The world is distracted by the way we look, the world only sees a disfigured heart…the world wants us to cry for the pain we share is not our own..why do you see me for the deathly paled child that was created by a God who killed the world I see before me…never again will I see a world that holds the grace that was placed before me…why do I need to spill my heart into a jar that you keep on the shelf when you already know my hallowed face is already dead.



The wings of butterflies are scatter in the meadow of my disheartened soul…we will never know the soaring power of the ones that died on door step of the one who cried for a new beginning…there is nothing new in this world but the death of my heart…black and beating into a fortress of dispare…why are these dying when we have nothing left to live for…spin me around and throw me down..slit my throat and watch the river of my life sweetly flow out



“Scar” by Before the Dawn

This song is a perfect reminder that no matter the physical pain we see on others, it will heal, its the hurt that is deep with in that we don’t see and takes the most time to heal. I know this all to well and unfortunately so do many others. It is with love and compassion that we can allow the ones we love to take the time to heal the deep hurt. It’s not and never will be an easy journey. I have been there and I am on the other side…probably only because I received an apology from my tormentor and it was sincere. I was able to move forward and so did he…I still have bad days and I have good but nothing can compare to the days of the past.

My heart calls to the one that is currently in this state. I feel for you, my heart hurts for you, my soul cries for you…but I understand…I don’t fault you at all…I will be here when you find the other side of all of this…in whatever form…I will be here…it’s not everyday we find a soul so beautiful that we want to capture it in a jar and keep it safe…in time you will find your peace…in time you will let go of the pain…in time you will be just fine.

Scars show on my body and scars show on my heart and scars show on my soul but they are a reminder that we are human and life is real but that doesn’t mean these scars won’t fade. I know that in time the faded scars will be replaced with a love so deep and a passion so real, they will be forgotten…

“You are worthy, you are deserving, you are loved…”



Tower by Avatar Hail the Apocalypse

Life is full of so many journeys and to pair life with music is a journey in itself. I have a passion for music but tend to stick to what I know. This awesome guy waltzed into my life and introduced me to a new world, a world of metal. Yes, me, metal, can you believe that? New people can carve new paths in peoples lives and that is what he has done. So I am still limited in my knowledge of metal however through his Facebook page, I am exposed to more bands.

I can get obsessed with music at times. I will play the same song over and over again for days. It’s the Scorpio in me I guess…or I can tell the level of my depression based on the song and length of time I play it. My new obsession is Tower by Avatar. One thing about Avatar is they have a different sound from album to album and I like that. But part of why I like this song is because it says what I need to say better than I can say it. Sometimes words escape me or when expressed, they freak people out, so through music I think I am able to present my thoughts in a way that is understandable and soothing. There is something to be said in this song.

I have scattered songs by Avatar throughout my post. Click on the links to see some of my favorites and a link to the Facebook page by someone who has impacted my life in more ways than he will ever know.


Salt Stains

The streaks from my eyes are staining my face. There are white streaks of pain that run down my face. My pain is real and seen on my face. You see it minutes, hours later as my face is stained with the life that has left me. I know where the fear is, I know where the hurt is, I know where the pain lies. Don’t worry about me, I will carry it for you. I will take all the fear in your heart, all the hurt in your heart, and all the sadness in your head and carry it for you.

The salt grooves on my face only show one thing…I love you and I am here for the long haul. The reason we are together has yet to be discovered but I know that my heart is full of love and will with stand it all…I am not going anywhere…not now, not ever…let the white salt stains stand and show that life is nothing w/out hurt in this world and we will forever discover this world’s truth.


I’m here

With fear in his eyes and strain in his voice he says “Please don’t leave me.” With tears in her eyes and love in her heart, she reaches out to him, “I will never leave you, you are my heart, you are my soul, I will never leave you.”

During my meditation tonight, this ran through my head…seeing him say these things, I could see the fear and hurt in him and I began to cry. Its all so real. How do you feel the energy of someone you have never met? How do you feel his physical sickness when you have never met? How do you feel the true fear in his heart, when you have never met? I am going through this right now. I have never met this man, but seen his pictures, and texted him, and I feel his daily energy, I feel his emotions, and yes I am feeling what he is feeling when he is sick. Twice I have been woken out of a dead sleep with symptoms my body cannot create since I have had a gastric bypass.

I have been told we are twin flames, I have been told we are soul matches, I have been told we are soul mates, no matter what we are, we are spiritually connected. We are bound and intertwined into the same space, same time, same reality.

He has pulled away…he said he can’t give me what I seek…he said he has to work on himself, and I totally get that. I know that if I give him the space and the time, the soul will continue to call to each other and we will find each other in this physical world.

My dear sir, take the time you need, take the world you know and heal it, take the hurt and remove it, take the energy left behind and remove it. I am healed my dear sir…I am waiting for you w/out rushing. Take the time you need, I will be here right where you left me…when you are ready, hold on and you will discover a world of true love, a world we were both created for, a world we both want to live in…a world that is real.



Here I am stranded in my own thoughts…my thoughts of you…the thoughts i want to share. The things I can only say to you…the thoughts I only want to say to you but here I am stranded on my own wondering what else can I do except talk to myself…You have no idea the impact you had on me in the short time we had together and I honestly know this time is not over with us. We were born out of the same soul cloth and we will travel in the same soul circle for as long as our energy is in existence.

My heart is stranded and is in stand still, I am waiting here to figure out what is next for us, for you…your energy is in every thought I have and in every sentence I say. You are ingrained into my life and I never asked for this, I never asked for you to show up out of no where and come to me. But I thank God that you did…I thank God for each moment I have and will spend with you…I thank God for the existence of you…Yes I thank the very God that said you are the one I have asked for since the conception of my soul.

“You are a beautiful soul this world has been blessed by your existence and it will mourn when you leave it. I for one have been captivated by your presence. My world is better because you are in it.”

My world is gone…I am stranded in this world now without you…


My heart II

You stole my heart before I even knew it was gone…


Mirrored Soul

It’s 2 AM and I’m wide awake as always. I am listening to music…your music, thinking about you and all I know…it dawned on me, you filed…you left…you ran for freedom. It is not a coincidence we found each other. I feel your energy around me all the time. I feel your pain and your happiness. I have cried myself to sleep many nights since you because I know at that moment you are doing the same. I have found this one conclusion, we are soul bound.

I know she lied, manipulated, turn things around on you, never allowed you to be who you are meant to be…you put in all the effort and realized she didn’t put in the same. You loved her with a love that was never matched and that destroyed you…I read it in your writing, I receive messages when I do sleep, I feel the energy left behind, I feel the pain created by someone that meant the world to you but didn’t feel the same.

Well my dear sir, here is where it gets interesting…We are mirrors of each other. Souls bound together in a realm only few see or feel. I have found a door to that realm and have peaked into it. I left him…I put in the effort and received nothing back…I was forced to find an outlet to keep my sanity from rotting my soul. This is just the tip and just a few of the things I know.

I know that you feel me too, I know that my feelings are felt by you, I know there are times when the thoughts we have of each other are so vivid they can only be felt at the exact same time. I know that you are scared and you are trying to figure things out…I know all of this and more. I also know, I am not going anywhere…we are bound into a contract only few seem to find. You think I am crazy don’t you? How do you explain my rational thoughts then?

You and I are not that much different. Even when it comes down to our philosophies in life. Yes there is a God and yes he loves you…but in all of that I know the universe has provided me with so much. I meditate to the universe. I light candles and talk to the universe though my meditations. I speak to angles and spirit guides…FUCK I see dead people. There is more to this world than we have both seen and it was not until I found you that I have began to experience more than I have ever before…you.

Your energy is intense and endearing…you are in a roller coaster of emotions lately. I will be just fine and the next ready to cry. That is not me, that is you…you may not be crying but you are feeling the gravity of your situation and it is pulling you down to the depths of hell that was created by someone you loved dearly. I get that, I dealt with that, and I am healing from that…I thought you were further along in this process but I am finding that I am now ahead…NO its not a game or a race but I am in a great place and now my restoration has allowed me to feel the depths of your pain and swirling world around you. I would not ask for anything different.

I read our texts because you have removed yourself from life..from me…I listen to music to feel your presence with me, your music…I write to get down my thoughts that tumble in my brain about you, the past, the future, the world that is dying in front of me…I am trying to now get my life on track because that is what is left in my darkened energy..its spinning out of control still. I have control of me now, its the world I live in that I need to get a hold of again. I moving through the complete motions…I am gaining the world around me again…I am getting a hold of the escaped pieces of life…so I can be a better me.

Your last words are always ringing in my head and were not warranted but I didn’t want to argue with you or change your mood of that day…I did try to explain myself but sometimes text don’t do the justice we need to see.  Yes I do want something more with you, I won’t lie about that…who wouldn’t? You are the most beautiful soul I have laid my heart on. You are like no other and I meant it when I said the world is going to mourn you when you leave it…You are a rare human, a rare soul, a rare piece of history that this world has been blessed to receive. I am not and will not rush into anything with you for many reasons and I will give you the space you need to heal. I am not doing this so that when you are ready you will turn to me, I am doing this because this is what my soul is called to do…

As deep as your pain runs, it will heal…as deep as your scars are, they will heal…as black as your heart feels, it will run red again…I know this all to well. You are a reason to me…you are the very reason I went to the hell I went through the last year. We crossed paths because we are soul bound…we are mirrored in many ways…we are what this universe said was needed. I don’t sleep much anymore because I don’t think you do either. I know you are pulling away from me at this time but I will always remain in the spot you left me…I will not hide so you can’t find me…I will be right here when you return.

I believe it was day 2 I said I am drawn to you and didn’t know why…I figured out the face value of it but truly at the time what I was saying is your soul is what has drawn me to you. I didn’t know at the time that my soul was involved to but now I do. I am drawn to you because of who you are and because the soul created by God is bound to mine in a way no one will ever be able to explain. The emotions I have felt over the last few weeks are so unexplainable. But now I know why I am emotional and I have accepted it. I told you that I don’t cry and I haven’t been able to in a while but after meeting you, that was unleased. I cry all the time now, real tears, cleansing tears, tears for my past, tears for my future…tears for you and your pain…tears for the soul I know that is healing, tears of joy at times too, they not all sad.

As I write this a storm rages outside…thunder, lightning, maybe hail or hard rain, the windows are taking a beating right now and the skies are bright with each flash. How is it that my emotions are felt by the world outside…a storm of cleansing rain, a storm raging to die down soon, a storm of healing proportions…this is a vision of what is to come for you…for us.

A few weeks ago a man walked into my life and he wanted more with me…more than I was willing to give at the time…I was not ready emotionally…I was not ready to give my freedom away…I cried a lot that day…what I realized is, I was not able to give myself to someone that was not you. I have realized a lot about myself in the last few weeks, well since January 14th…the day you walked peacefully into my life. You are the reason for many things and for that I am thankful.

If you ever read this, I don’t know…my thoughts are poured out here all the time and read by strangers. I am not sure how many of these strangers that read this I know. Less fear in that I guess…no exposure…no pain in the judgment of someone I don’t know. Now is not the time to share this with you on my own. If you do read this on your own without me knowing…know this…we have a purpose…we have a future…we have a love shared so deep that many never see it…we have something that will carry us to our graves…heal, revive, and live again so I can show you no fear in being us.

I will forever thank you for the time and words you share with me…I will forever be thankful to God for your presence in this world…I will forever be thankful in a soul that passed through time with me that is so beautiful that they are ethereal…yes you are one that I can’t put into words or explain…you are a different type of person and for that I am thankful…

Thank you my dear sir for having no fear in being you…always and forever be yourself and present nothing less. Anyone who can’t love you for who you are is not worth your time. Its taken me 40 years to learn this lesson and I am thankful that this lesson was learned at the hands of a soul bound to mine for an eternity.

I am running on 24 hours of no sleep now…so I will rest my head in your thoughts and think about a time yet to be. I know that anything worth loving is worth waiting for…so here I wait, eyes completely open, waiting for that divine timing I have looked for since the conception of our souls…Good Night my dear sir and know that everything will turn out exactly as life was planned for you before you were conceived. People are placed into our lives at the exact time and place when we need them…so though you are not ready and you are still healing…that moment of clarity will hit and you will be ready to love again and freely.





With downcast eyes, the shadows of yesterday swirl around my thoughts. I can no longer see the visions of tomorrow because the ghost of today is clouding my brain. I remember the time you came to me with fear in your heart and hate in veins. My solemn vow is to replace that with love…unconditional love. The phantom of my night is the one troubling my days. I don’t sleep any longer, I don’t sleep because you don’t sleep. I feel the anguish daily, I hear the muted fate of your heart. Traveling the halls of my twisted brain I open the vault for you…creating a place for you to hide. I will shield you from this world in a space only meant for you. Tranquility rings the sharp pain I feel for you…the space between will close soon and all will be well in the night. Our slumber will return, hearts will bleed red again, and life will become “normal” for one more day.


He is you…

He is cracked.

He is scarred.

He is broken.

He is perfect.

He is you.


Silent Prayer

Silence falls on the heart that is damaged the most. We are the evolved ones because of the hurt we feel. The grinding of the wheel is torturous on our souls. We do not see the beauty in the world but all the pain. Gather your heart and tie the bandages tightly to suppress the bleeding. No longer is this world fit for the consumption of my dying soul.  I watched you die in front of me and helplessly I cried out to God. I can no longer sit and watch you regress back into yourself. I pray for you each night before I sleep, before I begin to cry…I cry myself to sleep because of the hell raging in you. I want to hold you and sooth the pain, remove the hurt, and make all the cracks in your heart whole again. I know my reason, I know why we met…