No tears…

pain-points-smaller

This time, there were no tears…a heaviness in my chest but no tears. I think because of that, my body is breaking down now. I hurt all over, I physically hurt because I can no longer be emotionally attached. I tried to cry, I really did, but no tears came. Our bodies are a funny thing when we can’t grieve in one way, it takes over in another…Not sure what all this means. Have we just had so many breakups that I know this isn’t it or am I just done? Questions, I just don’t have an answer for…confusion is what follows me now.

No, I am not happy, I do know that, I know that my thoughts are still flooded with you but I know that I am not happy or sad. I’m in limbo…in a stand still waiting…wondering. What is going on with all of this…what does God know that I don’t? The right side of my body is in full pain…I miss you!

Lost

images

I lost my best friend…many people come and go in my life but none like you. You were my best friend, you are my best friend. I can tell you everything and I don’t hold back. You know the darkest parts of me…no one knows these things about me. NO ONE…you are now the keeper of my secrets and I am the keeper of yours. Apart we will be fine but there is nothing better us together. I know that we have to work on ourselves…that is so very clear but I hope in the end when we are whole, we can find each other again.

Collapse

flower-collapse-56a9a7633df78cf772a9407a

Until my bones collapse, I will have a place for you in my heart. It’s not that easy to just say goodbye. My soul has been a weary one these last few months and you brightened it for many days. You once said “We are great together” and apart what are we? It can’t be great if I feel a hole in my soul without you. My world will collapse one day and I will be in complete mourning for you. Until that day, I will remember the good times and the bad. I will smile when I hear your name and my heart will skip a beat when I look at your sweet face. Strange things happen all the time…I haven’t lost hope yet!

Grief

Because losing you is harder than I thought. The stages of grief apply here. I don’t want to lose the one person I am the closest to. The one who knows me better than anyone else. I love you and I will always miss you. I pray for you because I know you. I know us being apart is for the best but that doesn’t make it easier.

Strength

enjoy_the_silence

You were right. I am strong…I don’t need you. I am doing great. Yeah I think about you still but there is no upset, no pain. I think that is because I am out from under your hold. I feel nothing, I’m not sad, and I have a smile on my face. I am working on weeding people out of my life right now and I think that scares you. Not that I’ll weed you out but of who is next. I am a strong person and have been my whole life. I am a risk taker and you were a risk I had to take. I found the peace I need to make sure my life is complete. I am about to embark on a new risk. One that will change me for the better and will hopefully bring in people that will take care of me. I’m tired and I too need help in life but I have the strength to carry on. Find new blood and wash away the old. You helped me find me, you helped me realize what I want, and you also helped me realize, there is something better in this world for me.

I hurt no more. I am no longer sad. I am working towards a life of happiness…Someday you may be apart of that but who knows what God has in store for me, I do know it is not longer the sadness I have been feeling. I did discover you are the source of my depression today. So having you gone will also bring me to be happiness again. Not complete happiness but I won’t have to feel the pain I felt under your spell. You dragged me around for a ride you were not willing to finish, instead you threw me out of the car window and let me land scrapped and bruised on the sidewalk. No real explanation as to why you do the things you do or why you left me with a heaviness in my chest. A true heaviness. Not one that is described to give someone the picture of what is going on. I am in a good place right now and it is because you left me…

I did get vindictive, I always said I was, I only went to one place that I think you shut the door on because I helped you do that but it felt great and it was what I needed to free myself from you. You suffocated me with your emotionless love. You only wanted to be friends on your terms. I wasn’t allowed to give you any terms. You made life the way you wanted it to be. You made sure I was close so I would stay for your pleasure and then you could abandon me when you were done. That is what you did, you abandon me. With the words “I need to move on, take care.” As close as we were, you really treated me badly at times. You knew I loved you so you probably felt it was OK to spit on me. I don’t need that anymore in my life. I am no longer taking care of the “you” in this world. It is about me now. I am pulling myself up, dusting off the harshness life has given me, and moving forward.

I am moving forward with the strength I didn’t know I had. You gave me that. So if there was one thing that came out of our journey, it was that I AM STRONG. I will overcome another obstacle in my life and I will be better for it. You said it all along but I never felt it until today, until now, until this very FUCKING MOMENT….I AM STRONG, I WILL CONQUER MY NEXT PART OF LIFE AND I WILL BE VICTORIOUS….with our without you, I WILL COME OUT ON TOP!