You II

My Dearest One,

Two months ago I could write pages about you and how I felt. Today that is hard to do. You left me sitting here in my own thoughts, wondering what just happened. We went through a lot, we shared the darkest parts of each of us, we bared our souls to each other. We became closer than any two people could get. I thought you were who I was searching for my whole life. I thought when you said you loved me, you meant it.

Two weeks ago you abandon me. No real reason was given, no real answer to why. I have always thought I was the problem. I always thought, “what is wrong with me?” Not here, it is all you. You have issues you need to fix. No one is perfect but you are broken and my healing wasn’t the remedy.

I spent many days in anguish, in pain, in misery over you, but not this last time. I felt different and still do. Yes, my love, I miss you terribly. Don’t get me wrong, I ache for you still. My love is real, was yours?

We came together for a reason, I got the strength to change my life from you. You showed me that I am worthy of happiness, you showed me, I am beautiful. You showed me in a twisted way, I am loved. You showed me there is more to this life than what I have going on.

I do understand why you left me.  You left me with a healing heart aching for the love I have been missing. You left me torn and broken. You left me sad and dying inside…you left me.

Now you ignore me. I know why too. We are so attached and so sinful that we need to separate. I know how easy it for us to get caught up in each other’s lusts. I still think about you and our time together. It may be in the past but it’s still fresh and raw for me.

I loved you with all my heart. I still do. Now at this very moment, I shed my first tears for you since you left. It hurts…it hurts a lot. I don’t know that I have truly loved anyone like I do you.

You can’t control who you fall in love with or the timing it all happens in. I just wish life was different than it was. Timing, location, freedom, and us. Life is not fair.

I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s going to be a hard and emotional one. I wish you were here to pull me through it, but I know you won’t be.  That kills me the most.

I hope you can forgive me. I had to get out from under your hold. I had to do something that would hurt the least. I do have the power to destroy you but I didn’t. I didn’t because I LOVE YOU. Sometimes I don’t show it well. That is because I am broken and twisted.

Time will heal me. Time may bring you back. Only God knows. Please know, it wasn’t all for nothing. It was all for a good cause…me.

Please take care of yourself and always know, when you are sad, when you are lonely, when you are at your lowest point,  I am here for you and I love you unconditionally.

Forever yours,




I’m sitting here, my soul bursting into tears. I miss you so much and I dont know why. You abandon me after hours of spilling our hearts and souls out to each other. What spooked you into leaving? I dont understand it all…you said you loved me but this is not how you show someone you love them. I hurt for you…I ache for you…I am sad for you. I miss you terribly…it is sinking in now. I need you…you are the only one who can soothe this pain. Come back to me my love…i am lost without you.


You left me here…alone…wondering. How can anyone spend as much time as we did together then walk away like nothing happened.

Big changes are coming…because of you, I am strong and ready for a new chapter…a new life.

No tears…


This time, there were no tears…a heaviness in my chest but no tears. I think because of that, my body is breaking down now. I hurt all over, I physically hurt because I can no longer be emotionally attached. I tried to cry, I really did, but no tears came. Our bodies are a funny thing when we can’t grieve in one way, it takes over in another…Not sure what all this means. Have we just had so many breakups that I know this isn’t it or am I just done? Questions, I just don’t have an answer for…confusion is what follows me now.

No, I am not happy, I do know that, I know that my thoughts are still flooded with you but I know that I am not happy or sad. I’m in limbo…in a stand still waiting…wondering. What is going on with all of this…what does God know that I don’t? The right side of my body is in full pain…I miss you!



I lost my best friend…many people come and go in my life but none like you. You were my best friend, you are my best friend. I can tell you everything and I don’t hold back. You know the darkest parts of me…no one knows these things about me. NO ONE…you are now the keeper of my secrets and I am the keeper of yours. Apart we will be fine but there is nothing better us together. I know that we have to work on ourselves…that is so very clear but I hope in the end when we are whole, we can find each other again.



Until my bones collapse, I will have a place for you in my heart. It’s not that easy to just say goodbye. My soul has been a weary one these last few months and you brightened it for many days. You once said “We are great together” and apart what are we? It can’t be great if I feel a hole in my soul without you. My world will collapse one day and I will be in complete mourning for you. Until that day, I will remember the good times and the bad. I will smile when I hear your name and my heart will skip a beat when I look at your sweet face. Strange things happen all the time…I haven’t lost hope yet!


Because losing you is harder than I thought. The stages of grief apply here. I don’t want to lose the one person I am the closest to. The one who knows me better than anyone else. I love you and I will always miss you. I pray for you because I know you. I know us being apart is for the best but that doesn’t make it easier.



You were right. I am strong…I don’t need you. I am doing great. Yeah I think about you still but there is no upset, no pain. I think that is because I am out from under your hold. I feel nothing, I’m not sad, and I have a smile on my face. I am working on weeding people out of my life right now and I think that scares you. Not that I’ll weed you out but of who is next. I am a strong person and have been my whole life. I am a risk taker and you were a risk I had to take. I found the peace I need to make sure my life is complete. I am about to embark on a new risk. One that will change me for the better and will hopefully bring in people that will take care of me. I’m tired and I too need help in life but I have the strength to carry on. Find new blood and wash away the old. You helped me find me, you helped me realize what I want, and you also helped me realize, there is something better in this world for me.

I hurt no more. I am no longer sad. I am working towards a life of happiness…Someday you may be apart of that but who knows what God has in store for me, I do know it is not longer the sadness I have been feeling. I did discover you are the source of my depression today. So having you gone will also bring me to be happiness again. Not complete happiness but I won’t have to feel the pain I felt under your spell. You dragged me around for a ride you were not willing to finish, instead you threw me out of the car window and let me land scrapped and bruised on the sidewalk. No real explanation as to why you do the things you do or why you left me with a heaviness in my chest. A true heaviness. Not one that is described to give someone the picture of what is going on. I am in a good place right now and it is because you left me…

I did get vindictive, I always said I was, I only went to one place that I think you shut the door on because I helped you do that but it felt great and it was what I needed to free myself from you. You suffocated me with your emotionless love. You only wanted to be friends on your terms. I wasn’t allowed to give you any terms. You made life the way you wanted it to be. You made sure I was close so I would stay for your pleasure and then you could abandon me when you were done. That is what you did, you abandon me. With the words “I need to move on, take care.” As close as we were, you really treated me badly at times. You knew I loved you so you probably felt it was OK to spit on me. I don’t need that anymore in my life. I am no longer taking care of the “you” in this world. It is about me now. I am pulling myself up, dusting off the harshness life has given me, and moving forward.

I am moving forward with the strength I didn’t know I had. You gave me that. So if there was one thing that came out of our journey, it was that I AM STRONG. I will overcome another obstacle in my life and I will be better for it. You said it all along but I never felt it until today, until now, until this very FUCKING MOMENT….I AM STRONG, I WILL CONQUER MY NEXT PART OF LIFE AND I WILL BE VICTORIOUS….with our without you, I WILL COME OUT ON TOP!


You are the mistake, not me. All those times you made me feel worthless should have told me to run. The heart wants what the mind doesn’t. I can see this clearly now. You threw me away and this time I’m strong. I can break free, I can find someone who will truly love me. I will never again feel like someone’s worthless mistake. I will be the, one in control. I will be the one who feels the freedom in love, not the freedom of controlling someone. Love should not hurt, but you figured out a way to make it hurt…Good Bye Mike Smith. The only thing dear to me now is the freedom I feel from these broken chains.

Heart strings

My heart is hollow without you. I hate that you have a life besides me. I willfully follow you and quietly wait for you. But never again…my heart strings will be played by someone who actually has a heart…


You are completely selfish. You always talked about you…never allowing me to say a word. Your focus was always you and seeing that now is great. Never again will I allow a man to make himself the total focus in a relationship…there are 2 and both should be heard.