I am so much like Christian Grey when it comes to this, you won’t get the reference but I do, I am not a “hearts and flowers” type person but I want to lay it all out there. You know me so well but I don’t know that you know this side of me at all. I need to just get this out of my head because it’s going to haunt me every day of my life if I don’t.
I did not go looking for you and I know you did not go looking for me. This all just happened. My situation was and still is not what I want out of life. You helped me escape to a place that was so much better than I was dealing with. What I am still dealing with.
You planted a seed in me. One that you nourished with the love you know how to show. It began to grow in me and I changed for it. You melted my exterior and I allowed you to come in and build me back up and mold me into something happier. I know I did the same for you. I never planned on doing that with anyone, I never planned on being anything to anyone but something happened and we were that for each other.
You have such a great heart. I fell so hard for that, your beautiful, loving, heart. Not only your heart of people but your heart for Christ. I have never come across anyone like you that would allow me to sit in their presence for hours at a time and just take in all glory you have to share. You are one of a kind in my eyes because I have yet to meet someone as special as you. You captivated my spirit and my heart in so many ways from just spilling your life to me and your passions.
Not many people get a window seat into the mind of another human being. That is what I have and thankful I still have that spot…for now. You amaze me in all you do, in all you have overcome, and all the things you have had to deal with. You have overcome your past and because of that you have a great future ahead of you. A future that will be bright and hopefully full of the love you deserve. I always wanted that love to come from me but I know that isn’t going to happen. You said that once you just don’t love me like that. Oh the sting of that still racks my hollow heart.
Oh and the rest that came with the heart is one to die for. You are a gorgeous man. Your eyes are blue like the sky after a storm, your smile brightens my worsts days, your hands, I love your hands, I wished that I could have felt them on my body, and your body, I thank you for sharing that. We both knew what that would take for each of us and I am thankful for that experience with you.
I guess that is enough about the what, we get to the nitty gritty of it all. You are the center of my world and have been for a while. You saved me only to sink me again. But that is a lesson I need to learn. I am not worth it and never have been. I know that you will never physically love me because I don’t fit your mold. My body is war torn from life and my need to hide and because of that I lack all the beauty in this world that you deserve. This self-hatred is not why I wanted to write this letter, it was to be about you and here it goes…
I love you, I fell hard, fast, and deeply in love with you. You blinded me so that I only saw you and I still just see you. Every thought has been of you. I wake up waiting to hear from you and I go to bed saying good night to you. We have put in so much time into each other and given each other so much attention, that I was not used to that. I know this started out a friendship and should still be that but I don’t think we can define our relationship as that. There isn’t a word for it but we are more than friends but not enough to be more. It makes perfect sense to me…
I told you once that when I think of you, the word obedience comes to mind. That is just not me, in any form. I run the show and never have I wanted someone to do that for me. Your spell has commanded me to be that. Do as I am told. Do what pleases you. Make sure you are happy at the expense of my own. I also told you that melt me and that no one should have that much control over me. That is true, no one has ever had that much control over me. Again, I run the show in my world, you turned that all upside down, you showed me what a real man can do for someone’s world and I loved that. You are a leader, you make decisions, you take care of others, you care about others, you have a pure heart. That is what I love the most about you, your heart. I have prayed that it would beat for me one day but I know that will never happen.
You renewed a world in me that was forgotten. You brought me back to music. I have always had a love for music and the music I was listening to was great but you opened my world up to Flyleaf and We as Human. I obsessively play these bands, one I think is because of you but I do because their music is great and I love it. The songs are so fucking relatable to mess in my head. You opened my eyes up to this again and I am thankful for that. Some of that music you tried to push on me needs some work…
You told me that I was beautiful. I haven’t had that in so long. I lost myself in the pain of who I once was. Not even the people around me told me anything like that, not in years. You begin to believe that you are worthless and ugly because no one seemed to care. You did and you told me this, not often but enough for me to believe it. Unfortunately, with the change of our relationship, you stopped saying that, and I stopped believing it. I know the change it had on me, I saw it in how I acted. It only takes one person to believe in you, to change your life.
Pictures, oh the pictures you would send me and how that made me feel special. I felt a part of your day, your world. I got to see what you saw and that made me happy. The time you took to take them and send them my way. You shared your favorite ones with me. You shared your world with me. The coast pictures are always my favorite. I love to see that side of the world and the beauty you are able to see each day as you step out into it. I am jealous because of the world you live in, but my jealousy really lies because of the world that gets to have you in it.
Our time together is such a drop in the bucket compared to what the rest of our lives have in store for us. I know that you are woven so tight into my heart that I won’t be able to just let go of you that easy. I know that I probably shouldn’t have unknowingly handed you my heart but I did. You have been gentle with it for the most part but I really can’t expect you to handle it with care when you unknowingly have possession of it.
I know this was not all for nothing. I know that we both had a purpose or role in what we were both doing and I understand that. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to just let go and fall under your spell. I appreciate all you have given to me and shared with me. I appreciate you allowing me to open the window into my soul so you could see me for who I am.
That is another reason I fell in love with you, no judgment. My past is not the best of what this world has to offer but you never once said anything condemning to me or make me feel awful for who I was or am. You accepted me for me, nothing more, and nothing less. I appreciate that, it could have been so much worse after I told you about some of my life stories.
Call me crazy but I honestly feel we are not done here. I honestly feel there is more out there for us. I don’t know why but I do feel there is an us, an us beyond just where we are today. I don’t know when that is though. I can’t tell you that it will begin tomorrow or 10 years from now, but that could also be my heart so stubbornly set on you too. I have this voice in my head that tells me to do something for you, and I follow. Is it God, is it me, I don’t know but that same voice is what I feel is guiding me to believe in a one day with you (yeah I know I’m probably just a stupid delusional child but I have to hold on to something).
I don’t know that I have completely poured out my heart in this letter. I just feel there is more but I am not sure what else to say here. I am so in love with you at this point that nothing else matters. I worry about you, I want you to be happy, and I want you to find someone to love you, but I know in my heart that no one will love you the way you deserve, that is what kills me. You have no idea how much I want that for you and how much I fear that someone is going to stray from that unconditional love and hurt you so. I love you whole heartedly and unconditionally. I know at the same time I too am not good enough for you.
I don’t know how to end this and I don’t want to end this, not this letter, not our friendship, not our whatever you want to call it relationship. We have been in some storms together and we keep coming back and I think in there I seek hope. That in the relationships you begin to embark on, that we will always be there. We may not seek each other daily like we do now but I would like to hope that a few exchanges would be made. I want a lifetime with you, in any form, I know that may not happen but I will have a lifetime of you in my memories and things I have saved. You have carved a deep grove into my heart and your name is there. Sorry that is the best tattoo I can give you at this point. You want your name in a heart, you’re gonna have to commit…ha ha ha…
Please know that I do love you and I probably always will. My heart is now a little larger because of you. I made room for you and there will always been room in my heart for you. I just hope that whatever happens you won’t forget me and that if you ever think about me, you smile. I just hope that the impression you made on me, I made one tenth of the impression on you. God guided us to each other for a reason and I think I know that reason but I am not going to say it.
This life is full of people that come and go. I have had a lifetime of this but I know that those who have left, have never come back and for that I am thankful. Please know, if you ever find a reason that you need to come back to me, I will welcome you always, my arms open, and my heart hopeful. It’s not everyday someone likes you walks into anyone’s life and I am thankful to have you in mine. You have tattooed my life with your soul and for that I will always be grateful.
You are dear to me and I wouldn’t be shedding tear after tear writing this if you weren’t.
I LOVE YOU,