Savage

dark depression

I dig my claws into the ground as you pull me towards my demons. I am not safe and you should run. My soul is twisted and black and dying every day. It’s not worth loving me, I am not worth it. Reckless and dying daily. The heavens above placed me on this earth to be a wandering soul. Never to be happy and forever searching for someone like you. The someone like you exists because it is you,  but I’m not allowed to touch you. I will spend every day of my life in anguish wishing for you.  I will just die a thousand times. My life will shatter into a million pieces more. I will turn to dust,  to be forgotten, I blow into the wind and never heard from again.

You

solitude

You like tormenting me. Don’t waste your prayers on me. I am not worth the breath you will breathe to say them. You have made it clear with your mentally shattering bombs that I am no one. Day after day you pull me close and then you drag me down. The torment once placed on you is now placed on me. You found your freedom through torturing me and it will never be expected that I will find mine as long as you continue.

Death of me…

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Yes,  I have thought about it. Slicing the skin, feeling the warmth of life flow from me. Feeling the fading of my mind, feeling my heartbeat slow down, feeling my consciousness go away, feeling everything melt away, feeling my skin grow cold as it sits in the warm puddle of my soul.  My breath shallowing as I search for the last word to you. Slicing through Clarity knowing the only thing that’s clear, nothing in this world is happiness to me.

Letter to God: Rejection

Dear God,

The fact that I am still living and not dead is a form of rejection. The fact that you put him in my life and you you’re going to yank him away from me is a form of rejection. What did I do cuz these aren’t lessons it’s rejection. All I feel is rejection and I’m tired of feeling this misery.  The fact that you’re making me continue this life is a form of rejection. Stop rejecting me and just kill me.

Me

killing me slowly

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Chipping away at my heart is killing me slowly…I can’t take much more of this life. I am drained in all areas of my life…there is no relief for me. I am slowly being tortured into an early grave. I will just creep in one toe at a time, submerge myself, and let the decision drown me.

Awakened

Smelter Demon

YOU BRING TO LIFE THE MONSTERS INSIDE OF ME…they were dormant for years. I was able to supress so much and you woke my deamons.  They are the same ones that tore through my soul and shut me down. They were the ones I was able to quiet and put to sleep with a sweet lullaby.

IN ONE FUCKING WORD you awakened them. Allowing them to tear me up and drag me down into the depths of my haunted soul. They are loud and shrieking daily in my head. I stay awake at night and sing them back to sleep but there is no soothing them.

THERE IS NO HUMANITY LEFT IN ME…I have come to find this because of the deamons that strike at my heart daily. They are shredding it. They are pulling all life out of me. I can not see the light of day anymore. The joy my deamons get in dulling me fules them to continue to wreak havoc on me.

I MOURN ME…I mourn me in a way no one will ever understand. I am not even me any longer. I am a shell of saddness who looks out on the world in wonder. Wonder why the deamons of my heart are they way they are. Wondering am I the only one who has the desire to no longer live a life on this earth with the deamons that claw at my brain.

FORGET ME…they have taken hold and will not let go. There is no slumber for these deamons. They are here to stay for a long time. There is no saving me…

Mental Riots

anguish

My mind battles the draining thoughts of every day. I am in a constant riot within myself to make it though each day. I know I have issues, God made me this way, that is an issue. They are my issues and you can go fuck yourself for trying to analyze them.

In Pieces

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Shattered into a million pieces

I thought you were here to pull them back together

Instead you stomped them into a million more

The pieces of my life are bandaged together

I am brittle and the bandages will fall off

Each piece that falls away is just another piece of me that dies

My soul is darkening daily

My heart is hardening daily

My life is dying daily

I’m tired of the pieces before me

I refuse to weld them back together

There is no point if I am only going to break again

Shattered and numb, my pieces are now dust, the wind will carry them away so no one can see the hurt, shame, guilt, saddness, upset, or me again.

Drained

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I am so mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. This morning, I realized, I don’t matter at all in this…all the hearts at stake and mine doesn’t matter. The craters in my soul deepen each day and I allow this to happen. I pray for something to move in my life and instead of up, its a continue downward spiral. I don’t understand all this. What did I do to deserve the punishment I am receiving.

Please God move this mountain…out of my heart, off my chest, and out of my mind.

Life is to short to continually feel the way I feel all the time. I want to matter to someone, I want to be happy but it never fails and the world around me smiles while I sit and watch. Drenched in sorrow, I will wait until everyone leaves because that is what everyone does…leaves me.

I have beat myself up my whole life. I have never really felt the warmth of the sun on my face, the moonlight never shines in my eyes, or the wind blow through me. I am numb and will continue this all the days of my life.

For just one fucking day, would someone pretend they care, just one, that is all I am asking.

The cattacombs of my heart will remain empty and clueless. I am sewing my heart shut and blinding my eyes to a world that will never exist for me. That was made clear to me. Everyday this is made clear to me. I don’t matter and never will…thank you for letting me know. I might have actually fought for something that I thought existed.

I have nothing left to give…I am broken…I am numb…I am over this.

Dirty little secret


I am yours and you are mine. Spending hours together, sharing anything and everything. If we could only close the gap of physical distance between us, our secret could be revealed.
No more secrets…just us, under the stars sharing everything we had hoped for. Pouring our souls into each other, living all we expressed. Living a life of passion and a life without shame. A life of love…secret or not, I appreciate and love you.

Write With Purpose…

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I started my blog so that I could write out my feelings. I am dealing with some strange things right now in my life. Things I never dreamt would come along. Alot of my postings are about my feelings and what I am going through on a day to day basis. I can tell when I’m not doing well, I will make several posts. The hurt and upset just seems to flow, post after post. The timeing is always bad, I am in the car driving. If I don’t get them out at that time, then I will forget them.

My purpose is to try and heal my wounded spirit. I have had a good life but in the love area, it has been all over the place. I have been married for 17 years this October. Like any relationship, it has its ups and downs. I seem to have more downs lately. With that said, I found someone else, online, but I started an intense relationship with them, and now I’m working my way through that and guiding myself back to God. I need answers about alot of things. Not just my relationship issues but my life. I have and will always be a morose person. I think I am happier when I am sadder. BUT my best work comes out in that saddness. I have been trying to write more positive and upbeat but again, that doesn’t always happen.

The point of my post today is, my purpose here is shallow.  My purpose is just for me. Life isn’t all about me but it seems to be right now. I am looking to become me again (tattoo, piercing, and music). I have had the help in doing that, (insert online person), he has been a great help in my life, but he creates confusion, and in that I do have clarity. (side tracked again).

I came across a blog today that was about giving those who don’t have a voice, a voice. I try to be a good person but I know there are more people out there who are better than me. Who humble themselves to make sure others come first. I should be more like these people, more like Jesus.

In my current journey with prayer, along with answers, I will be asking to be more like Jesus. To evolve my heart into something that is more meaningful and less selfish. I do want to be a better person, someone who is more like Jesus and less like the world that has gotten a hold of me.

So through all the mess and rambling of my post, I commend those who write with a purpose. Write to make the world a better place. Write to improve our surroundings. Write to show the world, there is more out there than just the crap you see on TV. I know there is a force working in me to make sure that I am aware of the world around me. As I pray, I feel guided to focus on everything greater than me. It will take some time but I know it will get there.

 

 

One Night

One night is all I ask to be in your presence. Lay with you under the stars, holding hands, my head on your chest, listening to your life beating. I want one night with you. Feeling the depths of your soul within me. Knowing all is right in that moment. 

Makeshift Saviors

soul-mates-marriage

From across the room, they never realized they were looking into the eyes of their makeshift saviors. Never realizing they needed saving they moved to see each other closer. Hold hands and kiss. Each one never realizing they needed saving.  When meeting for the first time they felt a connection, they shared their secrets, they shared their hurts, their wants, their lives. Through it all, they begin a love affair that was their undoing. Through it all they began to save the other person, never knowing either one needed to be saved. Each one wrapping their pasts into a ball to throw into the sea. Feeling the love of another without judgment gave them the freedom to be themselves. Never to hide again from anything or anyone. They severed their lives from their past to give everything to each other. Never knowing that through it all, they needed saving. Two hearts living separate lives coming together as one to be a makeshift savior for each other.

Saving each other gave them the freedom to fly, the freedom to love, and the freedom to heal. They loved each other with pure hearts and open minds. They accepted each other for all they were, nothing more, and nothing less. Moving through time as one, tangled into each other, living for each other, wanting to share each moment with each other. Living as one heart, one soul, one mind.

Time has a way of tearing the bonds of love apart, separating hearts. They are better for knowing each other, better for loving each other, the makeshift saviors’ jobs were done. They were healed, they were whole again, the hurts of the past no longer stung. They part with a love between them that will never break, a bond like no other, they knew they were ready to leave and make their way into a new world. A world full of hope, a world full of love, a world where they knew each other existed. That alone saved them both. They live in a world with a kindred soul, who is just as fucked up as they are, and they are able to live a life in peace because of it.

 

My sickness

My sickness is that I love too much and too hard and too fast. Sometimes it’s  borderline obsessive. I’m an addict when it comes to you. You change my body chemistry and my thinking. My sickness is weakness when it comes to you. I can’t say no and I can’t let go. There is no remedy for me, except you.

I saved you a seat…

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I will always save you a seat next to me.  There will always be an open window for you to look into my soul. There will always be a room for you in my heart. With each passing day we grow closer to seeing the last of each other but know that no matter how many years go by, you will always have a place with me.

We are strangers no more, we know each other’s darkest secrets, we have a viewing into each other’s souls. When we depart, when we say goodbye, always remember you have a safe place to return to. There will always be a place saved for you next to me.

I love you dearly, you have brought much happiness to this sad soul. Through all of the rage, you took me back, you sought me out, you are my best friend, no one will ever be that again. No one will ever take your place next to me…that seat will always be saved for you.

The Darkest Part of Me…

I am finding more and more relatable songs from the band Red, Darkest Part is my new favorite.

I let you into see the darkest parts of me and you didn’t run away. We found comfort in each other’s darkest parts. No one knows me like you do, and I am not sure I will let anyone else know me like you do. There is a lot of pain and upset in being that vulnerable. I will never be that vulnerable again with anyone. There is only one you and only one seat available to look into the darkest parts of me. For now, you have filled it that seat, but one day that seat will be vacant, and at that time so shall I be…

What did you do to me?

 

Salt

The salt from my tears leave lines in my face. It’s a daily thing and they continually chase the same lines down my cheeks. The taste of anguish  is suffering.  I’m tired of crying all the time, over you, over nothing. The freedoms of my life have disappeared and left me in despair.

Blessed

Some days I don’t feel it but I know in my heart I live a blessed life. I have met some amazing people and have had some amazing adventures. My God has shined his grace on me and in my 2nd day of prayer, I have seen his actions.  To know God is one thing but to have a relationship and see his love is a whole blessed experience. 

I am on a journey right now to find some answers. I have had my world shaken up and I don’t know what I want anymore. I live 2 lives right now and I am not sure of my path. I know God will show me the way.  He will tell me why I have been presented with the challenges and people in my life. His grace will shine on me.

I began a 40 day pray book, Draw the Circle, in the 2nd day, messages from God have been sent. I don’t have answers but I know he is listening. The faith I have in him will only grow stronger. Like my life, my prayers are a mess, but with an open heart and open mind, God will see with I am seeking and what I need.

Thank you dear Mr. Smith for sending me towards this book and back to God. I am blessed to have you in my life and to know you. 

Chains

I cry to much…I cry to much for you…over you. My life is so fucked and I am burdened by the chains that keep me bound to you. I don’t know why we came together or why we became part of each other’s lives or why we became deeply entangled. I am chained to you and I need to figure out how to break free, but I don’t want to.

I don’t want to do this on my own. A life without you is not worth living.

Letter to God: Heartache

Dear God,

Why did you put him in my life? You knew what was going to happen, you knew I would fall in love. What lesson are you teaching me? I don’t understand why I have to go through all this pain and anguish. You presented him to me and made him everything I wanted and now he wants someone else. What is the point? What is the purpose? What did I do to deserve this heartache?

Me

Consequences

I am feeling the consequences of my lies. I hide my pain so you can see my smile. You share with me all your thoughts and feelings. They are hard to swallow. Once you were there for me and now you are only here to tell me about your life. I lied to you when I said I was over you, I am not and because of it, I still hurt, I still hide, I still wait for you. What am I suppose to do if I can’t have you at all? I will take what I can get, I will pray on the rest, and I will wait for you to return in pieces so I can fix you again.

I love you!

My Christening

Written the summer of 1997 ~ for Cristina

I want to slice your throat from ear to ear and watch the blood splash out.

Like a new born babe, I want to play in it like its my christening.

I want to saturate myself in your dying soul.

Anguish

 My soul is in a constant state of Anguish and you continually poke holes in it. Do you even know what you were doing? You say you are a man of God but you are a man who dances constantly with the Devil. You hurt me everyday and I know you enjoy it. It’s going to take more than a prayer to save me from the hurt you have put me through. I’m glad you’re better just know all you did was crumble me in to a Dead Sea and now all I’m doing is searching for me.

Beautiful Rage 

You planted this seed in me. This seed of beautiful rage. You constantly water me with pain and hurt. What did I do to you other than love you. You shove my face into the dirt and cause me to feel nothing but dispare. Fuck me for living. I was not put here for you to torture but you continually do it with a smile on your smug face. Everybody hates you in the end and I know why…

Worthless

Each and every day you make me feel worthless. You pour on the pain like it’s nothing. Why do you even try to show you care? If I am worth nothing to you why do you keep returning to me? I’m tired of everything you do to me and everything you say to me. I am worthless and you made me this way.

In pieces

Every day I spend with you you break me into further pieces. You stamped my soul into a million more. You have no clue how you treat me when I tell you you only care about it for one minute. I don’t understand you and why you think the way you do. You are sick in the head and I’m tired of it.. 

You are cruel

You have a terrible way of showing you care. I claw at you for your attention and you slap me away. I never was anybody so why did you try to make me believe I was somebody. You should have just killed me instead of torturing me and allowing me to suffer all these months. I foam at the mouth for a chance to see you, to be near you, and all you do is cut my throat. You rather watch me bleed out and die put a smile on my face again. What did I ever do to you? There is nothing quick in this life and the time spent with you was spent being dragged through hell. Why do you enjoy this, because I know you do. Each day I am spending with you you make me feel more worthless than the day before. I don’t understand why you continually do this to me. Go ahead slit my throat, stab me in the heart, and push me over the cliff. This suffering needs to end.

The Voices in my head…

I sit in the corner, rocking to and fro, calming the voices in my head. Listening to your voice as I sway to the sound of your words. You calm the raging storms in my head, you make the world around me bright, I can only hear the loving words your speak to me and nothing else.

I hear the sounds of ruckus in my head as the voices dance around and drag their feet through the shallow halls of my brain. I stare aimlessly into space as I search for you. Nothing but anger clouds my soul. My mouth is sewn shut, my heart beats faster, I don’t know how to find you when I need you. I hurt so when you aren’t here. My body aches for you and I cry out in fear for you. I wrap my head with dirty rags to calm the rage inside of me. I can no longer see you for who you were to me.

On my feet, I close my eyes and dance to the sound of the voices in my head. Your voice commanding me to do as I am told. I swirl around the room and graze the walls with my fingertips. Wanting the touch to be you. I sway and bend to your commands only to open my eyes and see nothing. Not you, not the room I was in, not the house I once knew filled with the laughter we shared on all those warm mornings in the summertime. My eyes are haunted with tears. Streaming and flowing freely, never ending.

Where did you go, why did you leave? I hurt from the sadness you left in me. The whole you put into my heart. My soul pours from that place, trying to capture it with my hands only for it to slip continuously through my fingers. It is hopeless. Why did I go when you left me? Why am I trying to recapture me? What happened here? I lay flat on the floor looking up at the hole in the sky. I see the clouds rushing by. I see your face in each stranger I see. Your smile sweet, your eyes squinting when you speak. Why do I keep looking for a soul that doesn’t want me to find it?

On my knees, I pray to hear the voice again. Your voice. The voice of a commanding spirit. The one who put a smile on my face when I was sad and the one put the tears in my eyes when I was happy. The voice is quieted and overtaken by ones that I have never heard before. I gesture them with my finger to leave and they stay there mocking me, knowing I will never see you or hear you again.

I sit in the corner, rocking to and fro, wishing for the voices of yesterday to appear. The ones that danced in my head and brought me the most happiest of thoughts. I pull my knees in close to me and hug them tightly. You were the one that made me the happiest of all and now I can’t find you in all the cobwebs of shouting lies that fill my head. You calmed me in all things and drug me to my feet.  I wipe each eye with my dirty hands and feel that dread. The loneliness I felt before you will be the loneliness I feel after you.

I love you and how you cared for me but the marching of time replaces all things, good and bad. I pray for new things, I pray for everything to fall back into place. I pray for everything impossible. I pray for you and the first day we met. I pray for you to return, for that voice to return to my head, the body to my bed, and most of all your heart to my presence.

 

 

A Stubborn Heart

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Not sure whose heart is being more stubborn, mine or yours. I don’t want to give you up and I think you have given up. My heart won’t budge from you and yours has moved on. My head is in a constant motion of thoughts and ideas about what I want but again with a stubborn heart, I am set on one idea and that for sure needs to be figured out. My heart is still beating but the rhythm has changed. It’s beating for me now…my heart is a stubborn heart and will continue to skip that one beat that belongs to you.

What you do…

I used to be able to capture all your attention. Now I’m lucky to get 5 minutes. When I need you, you are elsewhere. When you need me, I am there for you. I guess I should take that as a hint…God guide me to someone who cares for me like I do them. I am worth more than being second in this world. Problem is, I am always second to everyone.

Clarity


I have been saved through the blood of Jesus Christ and for this I am thankful. Though I have been saved, life is not easy. I lived in a confused state currently. Not knowing which way to turn sometimes. I seek God to clear my head and present the answers.  I took the word from a David Dunn song and tattooed it on my wrist. My reminder to seek God in all things…he will provide you CLARITY.

David Dunn

May 11, 2017

I am a fan of Christian artist, David Dunn. When his song Today is Beautiful came out. I was hooked. I played that song every day and loved it. I still love it and listen to it. From there I purchased his CD, Crystal Clear, which features my all-time favorite song, Nothing Left. I have a relationship with David through social media. I have been able to correspond with him on Facebook and Instagram. It has been fun talking to him about his life and music.

In February 2017, David Dunn came to play in the Woodlands, TX. Before the day of the show I reached out to David and asked him to play Nothing Left, well what I said was, is it in the lineup, never really asked. So after the show, we talked and he said he would play it for me the next time he was in town. Finding out 2 days before the show, that he would be in town, I reached out and asked if he would be playing Nothing Left, and he said Yup!! It was the second song played in the set and I was there in the 2nd row smiling away. It was a great feeling to hear my song live.

I also was able to talk to him after the show. He told me that he put the song in there for me and looked for me in the audience. That was awesome to hear, that I was important enough for him to put that song in for me and look for me while performing. My life is kinda crazy right now and to know that someone cared was very heart warming. It was a small gesture that goes a long way.

If you are looking for a new artist to listen to, I would suggest giving David Dunn a listen. He has a new album out, Yellow Balloons. The album has a new sound for music, great messages, and great album altogether. It’s an album about kids and heaven. I would also recommend his album, Crystal Clear. It has many great songs like, Today is Beautiful, Ready to be myself and Nothing Left.

David Dunn is such a down to earth guy. Great and easy person to talk to and is such a blessing. His music, his present on social media, and his life are a blessing to be a part of. Thank you, David, for sharing your life with me and many other fans. You are a blessing to this earth.

Here is a link to my blog about the song itself  “Nothing Left” and how it fitting it is/was in my life right now.

Battling my feelings

So an observation I made today…how can I feel one way today and different the next day? Why do our feelings keep changing day-by-day minute-by-minute for people we love?

I am currently in a relationship that evolved quickly and then regressed. I love this person deeply. We have given each other Battle Scars. How is it today I feel nothing? I know I love this person but right now I just don’t care.

I know when our relationship is going well I’m on such a high and things are going great and I know the love is there. But today we hardly talked, because he was busy, I understood that. But our interaction affects my mood and that I don’t understand. 

I just don’t understand how the highs and lows of anyone’s life can affect the way they feel about somebody they love very much. I do love you but today I just don’t feel it….

Illusion

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Through the slaughtering of my heart, I found that my attraction died along with our relationship. How does the body and mind work that I am no longer finding myself thinking about you or even wanting to look at your picture. Is this real or just the illusion my heart has put up so I can pull away from you each day. I feel different and the fact that you are the keeper of all my secrets is hard to understand. I feel you pulling from me too. Was this whole relationship an illusion that was put in front of me so I would dance and sway with you like a charmed snake? Now the walls are crumbling and I am seeing clearly for the first time in weeks. I’m not sure if I am happy about this or not. I have spent so much time with you and you captured my attention and my heart but now I have to wonder if it was all just an illusion on my part.

Race

Are we racing to see who can fall away from each other farther? Are we trying to see who can finish this relationship first? I don’t like the fact that I feel distant to you, I don’t like the fact that you are pulling from me and finding new things to do. This was not a race I ever wanted to run, its not a race I ever wanted to find, its not a race I ever wanted to end. Don’t push me down as we near the finish line, hold me hand so we finish together and accept the peace between us.

Insignificant

I sleep in a ball, my back turned to you because you make me feel insignificant. I cry alone because you make me feel insignificant. I seek others because you make me feel insignificant. I live a confused life, it should be an easy choice, but because of it, I feel insignificant. I cry for help, you listen one day, and because of this, I feel insignificant. 18 years and in the end all I feel is insignificant.

Childish Dreams

I cling to a hope that will never be. I long for someone who never loved me. Each day I sit and wait for the truth but only receive the ugliness I deserve. Why do I have a girl’s heart? One who wants to love with passion and with every breath of my being. Why do I love somebody who doesn’t even care? I am a child, defenseless in life, hoping for someone to care for me. I sacrifice everything for everyone and that’s what’s killing me.

Nothing left…

You never had a chance or was it me that never did. This is how I love….you!

I did love you this way…but you wouldn’t let me love you this way…you didn’t want me in this way but I did, so I completely unconditionally, wholeheartedly, love you and now, I have nothing left to give…and I am sad to say that. CS Lewis was right, there is too much vulnerability in loving anyone and I found that with you.

There was beauty and pain in loving you. It crushed me, but I am working through it ever day. I am in a better place but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you still.

See below for information on this song that I have truly fallen in love with by David Dunn.

A little about the song in the words of David Dunn (link: https://btscelebs.com/2014/11/24/interview-8-questions-with-david-dunn/ )

“Nothing Left” was inspired by a story of a friend of mines divorce. How in selflessly loving, she made herself vulnerable to being crushed by her husband…and in the end, was crushed. To choose to Love someone no matter what is a scary, dangerous thing. Jesus calls us to love without qualification, with all of our gusto… and even though you, the one who loves, are opening yourself up to possible disaster, loving others is THE THING that is most worth while…SO LOVE ON

This is also some information from David Dunn’s bio about the song. (link: http://www.daviddunnmusic.com/new-page/ )

With “Nothing Left,” which draws from the C.S. Lewis quote “To love at all is to be vulnerable,” David reflects on the inevitable clash of beauty and pain that comes from truly loving someone the way God does.

 

Timing is everything…

Our timing is off and for that I am sad. But in my heart, I know that one day the timing will be right. It’s to this hope I cling…why I don’t know. Something deep within me tells me that our timing is off but not forgotten. One day, into your arms, I will fall and know that my resting place has been found. Until this day, I will focus on today, and work towards then.

Not alone…

I know I’m not but it feels like I am…I do this, more than I should…but life has been rough lately, emotionally, mentally, and physically. The one person I do rely on will not always be there and I have to get a grip for my last days with him….

Priorities 

Because I am 1500 miles away and type my feelings, I am useless to you. I once made you feel really good. I once made you happy. I once was a daily priority. Now I’m a cast away because somebody better, prettier, thinner, physical came along. Did you ever love me? Or was I just here to pass the time and make you feel better? Someday I’ll be gone and you’ll be unhappy and you’ll wish you had me back in your life, but at that time my priorities will not be yours.

I am human

I am not just words on a screen, I am human. I am not just here for you to use. I am human. I am not here for your abuse. I am human. I am not here for your sexual pleasure. I am human. I am not here so you can replace me when someone better appears. I am human. I am not here for you to throw out those words everybody wants to hear. I am human.

Because I am human I bleed when you cut me, I hurt when you abused me, I cry when you make me sad, and I love with all my heart and with every breath of my being. I do this because I am human not because of you.

Artificial friendship

I used to tell you everything and now I feel like I can’t tell you anything. Beyond “how are you,” you have no interest in me. But the minute I asked about you, you want to talk all day long. I’m tired of artificial friendships, I’m tired of people faking their interest in me, I’m tired of having anyone in my life. I will no longer be a person you can just pass your time with, I will no longer be the person you use for sex, I will no longer be the person you use for anything. Go fuck up someone else’s life up.

Perfectly Broken

shattered_soul_by_razengani

The song “Perfect Life,” by Red has the words in the song, “perfectly broken.” What is perfect about being broken? I was born broken. I was born with a scorpion’s mindset. Misery and brokenness are everything I feel in this world. I can be passionate to the point of obsessive over things, but there is nothing perfect about it.

My brokenness is heart-wrenching. It kills you to the core. You push people away, you are mean to them, you hurt them, and through it all, when no one asks you if you are ok, you break more. How much pain do I have to show before you even care? I shouldn’t have to speak up. You sleep in the bed with me every night. You fuck me as often as I can get it. You take my dreams and crush them with your anger. What is perfect about that?

I never went looking for the other person in my life. I never thought I would find someone so perfect and so broken like me. But in finding each other, I fixed him, and I broke further. I fell in love. Such a stupid thing to do. I live with one and love another. I push the one I love the most away because he has found another. There is nothing perfect about that.

So if there is such a thing as being perfectly broken, what is that? How far do I have to go before what I am feeling is perfect? If there is such a thing as “perfectly broken,” I want that, just not sure how to get there…

Artificial face

I wake up and put on an artificial face. I hide my pain and anxiety of life. No one knows what I go through everyday and no one even cares. I suffer in silence, I cry behind closed doors, I pray for things I shouldn’t pray for. Each day my artificial face hides who I am so that you see who I am not.

Dear God….

My Father Who Art in Heaven, why did you give me life? What is my purpose here? Why do I have to sleep day and night? I don’t understand my purpose if all I do is live in sadness. I give everything to everyone and nothing is return. I’m used, I am old, and I am worthless.

Barely alive…

I wake.

I dress.

I eat.

I stare.

I die painfully into my thoughts.

I sleep.

I wake.

I drink.

I stare.

I cry.

I live in my pain.

I sleep to drown my thoughts.

I dream.

I wake.

I pray for something better.

I sleep….

She is trying to survive

She is a flower living among the tangled thorns and weeds. Searching for the sun. Trying to break free from the smothering. No nourishing words from anyone. No love from the one you want it from the most. She continues to look upwards seeing the sky while the world around her pulls her down.

Sacrifice

I am the sacrifice you have to make. You use for all your gain. I’m no longer needed, you found someone better. I know there is nothing special about me. Its been told to me all my life. No one to love me, no one to care, I’m the sacrifice everyone makes…why because no one needs me after they have used me. I’m no good…I’m no one…I’m me.

Why

Why did you find me?

Why did you use me?

Why did you lie to me?

Why did you fuck with me?

Why do you pretend to care?

Why do you continually seek me?

Am I easy prey?

Do you enjoy hurting me?

Do you enjoy twisting the knife?

Do you think I’ll contine to take your abuse?

Yes I am a fool because I fell for you. Yes I am a fool because I stick around. Yes I am a fool for pouring my heart out to you. Yes I am a fool for loving you.

NO ONE IS PERFECT!!!

A Raven’s heart

Black as cole, small as night, a raven’s heart guides me tonight. Traveling the coast side in today’s morning light. Eyes bright and feathers dark, both sides of me reside in that ravens heart. Carrier of my soul, it flys by the sounds that rattle inside my brittle soul. Death takes me and pulls me down into my grave. Cover my face with dirt so I can breath in and choke on the ground that swallowed me.

Hate me…

Life would be so much easier if you would just hate me. Tear me apart, kill my spirit,  ruin my day, push me further into hell, abandon me, spew your lies to me, dangle the one piece I want in my face. Your trends are killing me but thats ok with you because you never even cared. You used me for all your pleasure, YOU treated me badly and still do. Just do it all ready and stab me in my heart and kill me once more. 

Used Trash

I am really tired of being nobody to you and somebody you use…you take a lot out of me and I know that I have no effect on you. Why do I continue to waste my time with you? You jab at my heart daily and crush it still. I bend at your every whim…you have a hold on me and you know it, you use me for everything you can squeeze out of me and one day you will leave me…standing with my heart shredded in my hands.

Two Souls

For a short time, we breathed every breath of each other. We woke up to spend the day together and we went to bed together. You found your freedom and detangle yourself from me. I will wander aimlessly awaiting your return…

Words of Convenience 

You only speak when you feel but when your life changes the way you talk to me changes to. I don’t understand how you can tell me that you love me and then question me today when I say it to you. I understand the love you have for me but still when somebody new, when somebody better, when somebody physical walks into your life you treat me different. You are a frustrating soul and I don’t understand why I’m attached to you.

A rivalry 

I cant compete with beauty…I am not and never will be that. I am a warped, tangled mess of ugliness. You add to my hatred daily. I am always interested in what you were doing and you never show interest in me. I should have seen all these clues days ago, months ago, but I didn’t. Love is truly blind and it’s crushing of the heart and the soul. I can no longer love anything I rather just live this life in misery.

A string around my finger

There’s nothing like being a daily reminder of being worthless to everybody. Seeing yourself as nobody because nobody loves you and everything you want is unattainable. the string around my finger should tighten around my neck who needs fucking air. Im not worth living for. I should have known every time I tried to call and you never picked up. I should of had a clue but I was so drunk on you I couldn’t see it. My world is gone, my heart is black, and I’m done loving anything.

An Open letter to YOU…

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Dear Sir,

I am so much like Christian Grey when it comes to this, you won’t get the reference but I do, I am not a “hearts and flowers” type person but I want to lay it all out there. You know me so well but I don’t know that you know this side of me at all. I need to just get this out of my head because it’s going to haunt me every day of my life if I don’t.

I did not go looking for you and I know you did not go looking for me. This all just happened. My situation was and still is not what I want out of life. You helped me escape to a place that was so much better than I was dealing with. What I am still dealing with.

You planted a seed in me. One that you nourished with the love you know how to show. It began to grow in me and I changed for it. You melted my exterior and I allowed you to come in and build me back up and mold me into something happier. I know I did the same for you. I never planned on doing that with anyone, I never planned on being anything to anyone but something happened and we were that for each other.

You have such a great heart. I fell so hard for that, your beautiful, loving, heart. Not only your heart of people but your heart for Christ. I have never come across anyone like you that would allow me to sit in their presence for hours at a time and just take in all glory you have to share. You are one of a kind in my eyes because I have yet to meet someone as special as you. You captivated my spirit and my heart in so many ways from just spilling your life to me and your passions.

Not many people get a window seat into the mind of another human being. That is what I have and thankful I still have that spot…for now. You amaze me in all you do, in all you have overcome, and all the things you have had to deal with. You have overcome your past and because of that you have a great future ahead of you. A future that will be bright and hopefully full of the love you deserve. I always wanted that love to come from me but I know that isn’t going to happen. You said that once you just don’t love me like that. Oh the sting of that still racks my hollow heart.

Oh and the rest that came with the heart is one to die for. You are a gorgeous man. Your eyes are blue like the sky after a storm, your smile brightens my worsts days, your hands, I love your hands, I wished that I could have felt them on my body, and your body, I thank you for sharing that. We both knew what that would take for each of us and I am thankful for that experience with you.

I guess that is enough about the what, we get to the nitty gritty of it all. You are the center of my world and have been for a while. You saved me only to sink me again. But that is a lesson I need to learn. I am not worth it and never have been. I know that you will never physically love me because I don’t fit your mold. My body is war torn from life and my need to hide and because of that I lack all the beauty in this world that you deserve. This self-hatred is not why I wanted to write this letter, it was to be about you and here it goes…

I love you, I fell hard, fast, and deeply in love with you. You blinded me so that I only saw you and I still just see you. Every thought has been of you. I wake up waiting to hear from you and I go to bed saying good night to you. We have put in so much time into each other and given each other so much attention, that I was not used to that. I know this started out a friendship and should still be that but I don’t think we can define our relationship as that. There isn’t a word for it but we are more than friends but not enough to be more. It makes perfect sense to me…

I told you once that when I think of you, the word obedience comes to mind. That is just not me, in any form. I run the show and never have I wanted someone to do that for me. Your spell has commanded me to be that. Do as I am told. Do what pleases you. Make sure you are happy at the expense of my own. I also told you that melt me and that no one should have that much control over me. That is true, no one has ever had that much control over me. Again, I run the show in my world, you turned that all upside down, you showed me what a real man can do for someone’s world and I loved that. You are a leader, you make decisions, you take care of others, you care about others, you have a pure heart. That is what I love the most about you, your heart. I have prayed that it would beat for me one day but I know that will never happen.

You renewed a world in me that was forgotten. You brought me back to music. I have always had a love for music and the music I was listening to was great but you opened my world up to Flyleaf and We as Human. I obsessively play these bands, one I think is because of you but I do because their music is great and I love it. The songs are so fucking relatable to mess in my head. You opened my eyes up to this again and I am thankful for that. Some of that music you tried to push on me needs some work…

You told me that I was beautiful. I haven’t had that in so long. I lost myself in the pain of who I once was. Not even the people around me told me anything like that, not in years. You begin to believe that you are worthless and ugly because no one seemed to care. You did and you told me this, not often but enough for me to believe it. Unfortunately, with the change of our relationship, you stopped saying that, and I stopped believing it. I know the change it had on me, I saw it in how I acted. It only takes one person to believe in you, to change your life.

Pictures, oh the pictures you would send me and how that made me feel special. I felt a part of your day, your world. I got to see what you saw and that made me happy. The time you took to take them and send them my way. You shared your favorite ones with me. You shared your world with me. The coast pictures are always my favorite. I love to see that side of the world and the beauty you are able to see each day as you step out into it. I am jealous because of the world you live in, but my jealousy really lies because of the world that gets to have you in it.

Our time together is such a drop in the bucket compared to what the rest of our lives have in store for us. I know that you are woven so tight into my heart that I won’t be able to just let go of you that easy. I know that I probably shouldn’t have unknowingly handed you my heart but I did.  You have been gentle with it for the most part but I really can’t expect you to handle it with care when you unknowingly have possession of it.

I know this was not all for nothing. I know that we both had a purpose or role in what we were both doing and I understand that. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to just let go and fall under your spell. I appreciate all you have given to me and shared with me. I appreciate you allowing me to open the window into my soul so you could see me for who I am.

That is another reason I fell in love with you, no judgment. My past is not the best of what this world has to offer but you never once said anything condemning to me or make me feel awful for who I was or am. You accepted me for me, nothing more, and nothing less. I appreciate that, it could have been so much worse after I told you about some of my life stories.

Call me crazy but I honestly feel we are not done here. I honestly feel there is more out there for us. I don’t know why but I do feel there is an us, an us beyond just where we are today. I don’t know when that is though. I can’t tell you that it will begin tomorrow or 10 years from now, but that could also be my heart so stubbornly set on you too. I have this voice in my head that tells me to do something for you, and I follow. Is it God, is it me, I don’t know but that same voice is what I feel is guiding me to believe in a one day with you (yeah I know I’m probably just a stupid delusional child but I have to hold on to something).

I don’t know that I have completely poured out my heart in this letter. I just feel there is more but I am not sure what else to say here. I am so in love with you at this point that nothing else matters. I worry about you, I want you to be happy, and I want you to find someone to love you, but I know in my heart that no one will love you the way you deserve, that is what kills me. You have no idea how much I want that for you and how much I fear that someone is going to stray from that unconditional love and hurt you so. I love you whole heartedly and unconditionally. I know at the same time I too am not good enough for you.

I don’t know how to end this and I don’t want to end this, not this letter, not our friendship, not our whatever you want to call it relationship. We have been in some storms together and we keep coming back and I think in there I seek hope. That in the relationships you begin to embark on, that we will always be there. We may not seek each other daily like we do now but I would like to hope that a few exchanges would be made. I want a lifetime with you, in any form, I know that may not happen but I will have a lifetime of you in my memories and things I have saved. You have carved a deep grove into my heart and your name is there. Sorry that is the best tattoo I can give you at this point. You want your name in a heart, you’re gonna have to commit…ha ha ha…

Please know that I do love you and I probably always will. My heart is now a little larger because of you. I made room for you and there will always been room in my heart for you. I just hope that whatever happens you won’t forget me and that if you ever think about me, you smile. I just hope that the impression you made on me, I made one tenth of the impression on you. God guided us to each other for a reason and I think I know that reason but I am not going to say it.

This life is full of people that come and go. I have had a lifetime of this but I know that those who have left, have never come back and for that I am thankful. Please know, if you ever find a reason that you need to come back to me, I will welcome you always, my arms open, and my heart hopeful. It’s not everyday someone likes you walks into anyone’s life and I am thankful to have you in mine. You have tattooed my life with your soul and for that I will always be grateful.

You are dear to me and I wouldn’t be shedding tear after tear writing this if you weren’t.

I LOVE YOU,

Me

Perfect love kills all fear…

This world is not perfect and I am afraid. I love you and want you but I don’t know how to obtain you. My thoughts are always of you.  You quench my soul with every word you speak. I am no longer the ghost I once was…you validated my existence…you made me realize who I am…but all I want is to realize who WE are…my world is so fucked up…my head is in the clouds… and nothing was perfect until I met you.