Savage

dark depression

I dig my claws into the ground as you pull me towards my demons. I am not safe and you should run. My soul is twisted and black and dying every day. It’s not worth loving me, I am not worth it. Reckless and dying daily. The heavens above placed me on this earth to be a wandering soul. Never to be happy and forever searching for someone like you. The someone like you exists because it is you,  but I’m not allowed to touch you. I will spend every day of my life in anguish wishing for you.  I will just die a thousand times. My life will shatter into a million pieces more. I will turn to dust,  to be forgotten, I blow into the wind and never heard from again.

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You

solitude

You like tormenting me. Don’t waste your prayers on me. I am not worth the breath you will breathe to say them. You have made it clear with your mentally shattering bombs that I am no one. Day after day you pull me close and then you drag me down. The torment once placed on you is now placed on me. You found your freedom through torturing me and it will never be expected that I will find mine as long as you continue.

Death of me…

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Yes,  I have thought about it. Slicing the skin, feeling the warmth of life flow from me. Feeling the fading of my mind, feeling my heartbeat slow down, feeling my consciousness go away, feeling everything melt away, feeling my skin grow cold as it sits in the warm puddle of my soul.  My breath shallowing as I search for the last word to you. Slicing through Clarity knowing the only thing that’s clear, nothing in this world is happiness to me.

Letter to God: Rejection

Dear God,

The fact that I am still living and not dead is a form of rejection. The fact that you put him in my life and you you’re going to yank him away from me is a form of rejection. What did I do cuz these aren’t lessons it’s rejection. All I feel is rejection and I’m tired of feeling this misery.  The fact that you’re making me continue this life is a form of rejection. Stop rejecting me and just kill me.

Me

killing me slowly

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Chipping away at my heart is killing me slowly…I can’t take much more of this life. I am drained in all areas of my life…there is no relief for me. I am slowly being tortured into an early grave. I will just creep in one toe at a time, submerge myself, and let the decision drown me.

Awakened

Smelter Demon

YOU BRING TO LIFE THE MONSTERS INSIDE OF ME…they were dormant for years. I was able to supress so much and you woke my deamons.  They are the same ones that tore through my soul and shut me down. They were the ones I was able to quiet and put to sleep with a sweet lullaby.

IN ONE FUCKING WORD you awakened them. Allowing them to tear me up and drag me down into the depths of my haunted soul. They are loud and shrieking daily in my head. I stay awake at night and sing them back to sleep but there is no soothing them.

THERE IS NO HUMANITY LEFT IN ME…I have come to find this because of the deamons that strike at my heart daily. They are shredding it. They are pulling all life out of me. I can not see the light of day anymore. The joy my deamons get in dulling me fules them to continue to wreak havoc on me.

I MOURN ME…I mourn me in a way no one will ever understand. I am not even me any longer. I am a shell of saddness who looks out on the world in wonder. Wonder why the deamons of my heart are they way they are. Wondering am I the only one who has the desire to no longer live a life on this earth with the deamons that claw at my brain.

FORGET ME…they have taken hold and will not let go. There is no slumber for these deamons. They are here to stay for a long time. There is no saving me…

Mental Riots

anguish

My mind battles the draining thoughts of every day. I am in a constant riot within myself to make it through each day. I know I have issues, God made me this way, that is an issue. They are my issues and you can go fuck yourself for trying to analyze them.

In Pieces

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Shattered into a million pieces

I thought you were here to pull them back together

Instead you stomped them into a million more

The pieces of my life are bandaged together

I am brittle and the bandages will fall off

Each piece that falls away is just another piece of me that dies

My soul is darkening daily

My heart is hardening daily

My life is dying daily

I’m tired of the pieces before me

I refuse to weld them back together

There is no point if I am only going to break again

Shattered and numb, my pieces are now dust, the wind will carry them away so no one can see the hurt, shame, guilt, saddness, upset, or me again.

Drained

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I am so mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. This morning, I realized, I don’t matter at all in this…all the hearts at stake and mine doesn’t matter. The craters in my soul deepen each day and I allow this to happen. I pray for something to move in my life and instead of up, its a continue downward spiral. I don’t understand all this. What did I do to deserve the punishment I am receiving.

Please God move this mountain…out of my heart, off my chest, and out of my mind.

Life is to short to continually feel the way I feel all the time. I want to matter to someone, I want to be happy but it never fails and the world around me smiles while I sit and watch. Drenched in sorrow, I will wait until everyone leaves because that is what everyone does…leaves me.

I have beat myself up my whole life. I have never really felt the warmth of the sun on my face, the moonlight never shines in my eyes, or the wind blow through me. I am numb and will continue this all the days of my life.

For just one fucking day, would someone pretend they care, just one, that is all I am asking.

The cattacombs of my heart will remain empty and clueless. I am sewing my heart shut and blinding my eyes to a world that will never exist for me. That was made clear to me. Everyday this is made clear to me. I don’t matter and never will…thank you for letting me know. I might have actually fought for something that I thought existed.

I have nothing left to give…I am broken…I am numb…I am over this.

Dirty little secret

I am yours and you are mine. Spending hours together, sharing anything and everything. If we could only close the gap of physical distance between us, our secret could be revealed. 
No more secrets…just us, under the stars sharing everything we had hoped for. Pouring our souls into each other, living all we expressed. Living a life of passion and a life without shame. A life of love…secret or not, I appreciate and love you. 

Write With Purpose…

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I started my blog so that I could write out my feelings. I am dealing with some strange things right now in my life. Things I never dreamt would come along. Alot of my postings are about my feelings and what I am going through on a day to day basis. I can tell when I’m not doing well, I will make several posts. The hurt and upset just seems to flow, post after post. The timeing is always bad, I am in the car driving. If I don’t get them out at that time, then I will forget them.

My purpose is to try and heal my wounded spirit. I have had a good life but in the love area, it has been all over the place. I have been married for 17 years this October. Like any relationship, it has its ups and downs. I seem to have more downs lately. With that said, I found someone else, online, but I started an intense relationship with them, and now I’m working my way through that and guiding myself back to God. I need answers about alot of things. Not just my relationship issues but my life. I have and will always be a morose person. I think I am happier when I am sadder. BUT my best work comes out in that saddness. I have been trying to write more positive and upbeat but again, that doesn’t always happen.

The point of my post today is, my purpose here is shallow.  My purpose is just for me. Life isn’t all about me but it seems to be right now. I am looking to become me again (tattoo, piercing, and music). I have had the help in doing that, (insert online person), he has been a great help in my life, but he creates confusion, and in that I do have clarity. (side tracked again).

I came across a blog today that was about giving those who don’t have a voice, a voice. I try to be a good person but I know there are more people out there who are better than me. Who humble themselves to make sure others come first. I should be more like these people, more like Jesus.

In my current journey with prayer, along with answers, I will be asking to be more like Jesus. To evolve my heart into something that is more meaningful and less selfish. I do want to be a better person, someone who is more like Jesus and less like the world that has gotten a hold of me.

So through all the mess and rambling of my post, I commend those who write with a purpose. Write to make the world a better place. Write to improve our surroundings. Write to show the world, there is more out there than just the crap you see on TV. I know there is a force working in me to make sure that I am aware of the world around me. As I pray, I feel guided to focus on everything greater than me. It will take some time but I know it will get there.