Forgive me and love me just the same…

In the catacombs of my severed heart lies a seed of redemption. One that will spoil without the welfare of my dampered soul. I lie awake at night and wonder what could have been. You continue to shower me with words from the heart but your acceptance of me is deathly. Your simple words ring through me like rejection. My time is so limited and I wish that you would see that and turn the hourglass over. Start from the beginning and renew this relationship. I tangle my soul into yours with every breath of my being. Time will be the evidence of you and I.  Please forgive me and love me just the same.

An Invitation into my soul…

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Step inside and see the tangled web of me.  Scattered, rambling thoughts all over the place. My mind continues to race as I try to calm it. Pulling new ideas from each corner of my brain to pull them into a single thought. No patterns, just chaos…exposed brittle pieces of me lay in the shadows of my soul. Servants trying to piece them back together only to get lashings for trying. My heart in a cage swinging back and forth trying to escape from this death clouding my mind.

I write on the run, I write when it happens. I will be in the car, the shower, or just sitting here and thoughts just flow. Never making sense to anyone but me. I enjoy that. I only need to live for me so my thoughts are only for me. If you think you can understand them all, you should get a prize. No one will ever be the fucked I am because I am the only fucked-up me there is.

The scars on my soul are deep and cavernous. They bleed for relief only to find no end. My life feels shallow and insignificant sometimes. I walk around seeing the world but not living in the world. I pray for guidance into a new life but only find that my prayers are all made through vanity. Draping my ideas of an ideal me on a chair only to set fire to it because that will never work. There is no ideal anything I want to be.

I will drag myself kicking and screaming through this life because I will not give into what you want me to be. I do like my sad existence, why because this is how you made me. I love too much and too fast and too hard…and that is what troubles me. I give in to easy and put myself in harm all the time. The harm of shattering me…that is all that people know how to do, shatter. I am rotten, I am spoiled, I am second best at best. You drugged me with your existence and your sweet face. I can see that clearly now…I want this high to never end but I know your plans are and never will be mine.

Even though you have been invited in, can you see the pain you caused me? Can you see the hurt I felt, can you see what I am? There are divots in my soul, there are slices in my heart, there are holes in my mind. The bottle of serum you hold will only fix you, it will never fix me. I will gladly drink you in for one day. I will gladly keep you by my side, I will gladly hear your words of love whispered into my ear. You bring me close then drag me down.

Ice runs in my veins and in my heart. You melted me once but left me to freeze again. Why do I think its ok to breath you in and be intoxicated by you. I think you love to watch me die in your hands. Crumble me into nothing. I see you smile as you do it. I see you breathe a sigh of relief when you are done. GO FUCK UP SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE.

I will always be left here standing, dazed, confused, and left holding the pieces of me that you felt the need to decay and walk away from. Death is a sweet victory for me and I will await the day that I kiss you good-bye and fall into my grave. Dirt surrounding me like an intimate home made just for me. An eternity of me. I can’t live a lifetime with you, what makes you think I will be able to live an eternity with me.

DISCLAIMER

***I ramble and that is all my writing is, no rhyme or reason. Thoughts may mean everything, they mean nothing. You can interpret them the way you want but know these are my writings, my feelings, my thoughts, and no one will change me from them.***

Romantic Lies

I cover my ears so I don’t have to hear your mouth’s demise. You speak your heart but all I hear are lies. What demon has captured your heart? She is no good for you and you need to see that. Don’t continue to get sucked into that smile. The vanity behind it will crush you. Your heart is big, you eyes are bright, but don’t get caught up in her romantic lies. Take it slow, take your time, remember who you are. Don’t let the lies blind you and leave you standing there alone and confused. No one will love you like I do…my tongue is sweet and my heart is crushed but through it all I have loved you.

Life’s tragedies

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One of the biggest tragedies in life are the people we bring into it. We introduced them to so many pieces of us and give them every opportunity to shred us up. It’s only a few that actually care and decide to take those pieces and love them instead of ripping us apart.

“We Fall Apart” – We as Humans

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The worlds on fire but we’re all smiling
Though it’s all our fault
But life is short so we resort to laughing through it all

It’s the battle within the good and the sin
With both sides standing strong
It’s the permanent scars
How broken we are
It’s the things that hurt us all

But isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart
It’s magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We’re comfortably miserable
We think we’re invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
Isn’t it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

You’re a liar but I’m a coward so I can’t throw a stone
We’re so imperfect but so worth it because we’re not alone

It’s the wars that we wage, the lives that we take
For better or for worse

It’s the lion we cage, the love and the rage
That keeps us wanting more

But isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart
It’s magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We’re comfortably miserable
We think we’re invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
But isn’t it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

The world is dark but all it takes
your love to spark
To set my heart on fire once again

But isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart
Isn’t it beautiful
oh, isn’t it wonderful
The way we fall apart
It’s magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We’re comfortably miserable
We think we’re invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
But isn’t it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

Isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart

This grand life…

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Isn’t it wonderful when one person can make you feel so important and then so worthless. It makes you wonder if they even cared or if you were just used for their pleasure…I cared, I loved, I cry, but what for I wonder? My heart aches for you…you express this passion with me but when someone better walks into the room, I’m invisible…why? What reason? Did you care? Did you love me? Am I someone you can throw away? Id give you everything still but you want nothing I have to offer unless it suits your needs.

Hollow

My chest is hollow. It once housed my heart. Feeling dead inside…a common place for my spirit. Unhappy and longing for you…never wanted to be second but that is my cage…cast aside for something better… something shinier and new..something phyiscal…turmoil…ugliness…me… the pain of my bleeding wrists don’t compare  to the pain of my dying heart.

I’m Nobody

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I am nobody in somebody’s body…I feel that way all the time. I go unnoticed all the time, my whole life has been a someone passing me by. You would think with age it gets better but it doesn’t because then the other insecurities you are aware of creep in and what are you left with? Ahead of condemning thoughts about yourself…

That’s me never feeling good enough for anyone or anything…it’s hard to feel otherwise when you have no friends and the friends you did have forgot about you the minute you moved away. People have always been in my life for a short time. I probably did something great for them and they were done with me…when’s it my turn? When is someone going to pick me up and glue the pieces of me back together? “A million pieces take a long time to put together.” Charlie Bucket – Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory