Forgive me and love me just the same…

In the catacombs of my severed heart lies a seed of redemption. One that will spoil without the welfare of my dampered soul. I lie awake at night and wonder what could have been. You continue to shower me with words from the heart but your acceptance of me is deathly. Your simple words ring through me like rejection. My time is so limited and I wish that you would see that and turn the hourglass over. Start from the beginning and renew this relationship. I tangle my soul into yours with every breath of my being. Time will be the evidence of you and I.  Please forgive me and love me just the same.

An Invitation into my soul…

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Step inside and see the tangled web of me.  Scattered, rambling thoughts all over the place. My mind continues to race as I try to calm it. Pulling new ideas from each corner of my brain to pull them into a single thought. No patterns, just chaos…exposed brittle pieces of me lay in the shadows of my soul. Servants trying to piece them back together only to get lashings for trying. My heart in a cage swinging back and forth trying to escape from this death clouding my mind.

I write on the run, I write when it happens. I will be in the car, the shower, or just sitting here and thoughts just flow. Never making sense to anyone but me. I enjoy that. I only need to live for me so my thoughts are only for me. If you think you can understand them all, you should get a prize. No one will ever be the fucked I am because I am the only fucked-up me there is.

The scars on my soul are deep and cavernous. They bleed for relief only to find no end. My life feels shallow and insignificant sometimes. I walk around seeing the world but not living in the world. I pray for guidance into a new life but only find that my prayers are all made through vanity. Draping my ideas of an ideal me on a chair only to set fire to it because that will never work. There is no ideal anything I want to be.

I will drag myself kicking and screaming through this life because I will not give into what you want me to be. I do like my sad existence, why because this is how you made me. I love too much and too fast and too hard…and that is what troubles me. I give in to easy and put myself in harm all the time. The harm of shattering me…that is all that people know how to do, shatter. I am rotten, I am spoiled, I am second best at best. You drugged me with your existence and your sweet face. I can see that clearly now…I want this high to never end but I know your plans are and never will be mine.

Even though you have been invited in, can you see the pain you caused me? Can you see the hurt I felt, can you see what I am? There are divots in my soul, there are slices in my heart, there are holes in my mind. The bottle of serum you hold will only fix you, it will never fix me. I will gladly drink you in for one day. I will gladly keep you by my side, I will gladly hear your words of love whispered into my ear. You bring me close then drag me down.

Ice runs in my veins and in my heart. You melted me once but left me to freeze again. Why do I think its ok to breath you in and be intoxicated by you. I think you love to watch me die in your hands. Crumble me into nothing. I see you smile as you do it. I see you breathe a sigh of relief when you are done. GO FUCK UP SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE.

I will always be left here standing, dazed, confused, and left holding the pieces of me that you felt the need to decay and walk away from. Death is a sweet victory for me and I will await the day that I kiss you good-bye and fall into my grave. Dirt surrounding me like an intimate home made just for me. An eternity of me. I can’t live a lifetime with you, what makes you think I will be able to live an eternity with me.

DISCLAIMER

***I ramble and that is all my writing is, no rhyme or reason. Thoughts may mean everything, they mean nothing. You can interpret them the way you want but know these are my writings, my feelings, my thoughts, and no one will change me from them.***

Romantic Lies

I cover my ears so I don’t have to hear your mouth’s demise. You speak your heart but all I hear are lies. What demon has captured your heart? She is no good for you and you need to see that. Don’t continue to get sucked into that smile. The vanity behind it will crush you. Your heart is big, you eyes are bright, but don’t get caught up in her romantic lies. Take it slow, take your time, remember who you are. Don’t let the lies blind you and leave you standing there alone and confused. No one will love you like I do…my tongue is sweet and my heart is crushed but through it all I have loved you.

Life’s tragedies

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One of the biggest tragedies in life are the people we bring into it. We introduced them to so many pieces of us and give them every opportunity to shred us up. It’s only a few that actually care and decide to take those pieces and love them instead of ripping us apart.

“We Fall Apart” – We as Humans

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The worlds on fire but we’re all smiling
Though it’s all our fault
But life is short so we resort to laughing through it all

It’s the battle within the good and the sin
With both sides standing strong
It’s the permanent scars
How broken we are
It’s the things that hurt us all

But isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart
It’s magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We’re comfortably miserable
We think we’re invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
Isn’t it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

You’re a liar but I’m a coward so I can’t throw a stone
We’re so imperfect but so worth it because we’re not alone

It’s the wars that we wage, the lives that we take
For better or for worse

It’s the lion we cage, the love and the rage
That keeps us wanting more

But isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart
It’s magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We’re comfortably miserable
We think we’re invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
But isn’t it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

The world is dark but all it takes
your love to spark
To set my heart on fire once again

But isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart
Isn’t it beautiful
oh, isn’t it wonderful
The way we fall apart
It’s magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We’re comfortably miserable
We think we’re invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
But isn’t it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

Isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart

This grand life…

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Isn’t it wonderful when one person can make you feel so important and then so worthless. It makes you wonder if they even cared or if you were just used for their pleasure…I cared, I loved, I cry, but what for I wonder? My heart aches for you…you express this passion with me but when someone better walks into the room, I’m invisible…why? What reason? Did you care? Did you love me? Am I someone you can throw away? Id give you everything still but you want nothing I have to offer unless it suits your needs.

Hollow

My chest is hollow. It once housed my heart. Feeling dead inside…a common place for my spirit. Unhappy and longing for you…never wanted to be second but that is my cage…cast aside for something better… something shinier and new..something phyiscal…turmoil…ugliness…me… the pain of my bleeding wrists don’t compare  to the pain of my dying heart.

I’m Nobody

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I am nobody in somebody’s body…I feel that way all the time. I go unnoticed all the time, my whole life has been a someone passing me by. You would think with age it gets better but it doesn’t because then the other insecurities you are aware of creep in and what are you left with? Ahead of condemning thoughts about yourself…

That’s me never feeling good enough for anyone or anything…it’s hard to feel otherwise when you have no friends and the friends you did have forgot about you the minute you moved away. People have always been in my life for a short time. I probably did something great for them and they were done with me…when’s it my turn? When is someone going to pick me up and glue the pieces of me back together? “A million pieces take a long time to put together.” Charlie Bucket – Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Proverbs

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I am a Christian and I listen to the bible almost every morning. Today I was listening to the book of Proverbs. Even in the bible, it talks about a crushed spirit and what it can do to the soul.

Proverbs 15:13 – “A joyful heart makes a face cheerful, a sad heart produces a broken spirit.”

Proverbs 17:22 – “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones”

Proverbs 18:14 – “A man’s spirit can endure sickness, but who can survive a broken spirit?”

It is amazing what you hone in on when you are in a state of sadness. I don’t think I would have picked up these lines if I wasn’t crushed. Even God knows that a spirit needs to be nourished and not starved. That is what I seek. Food for my spirit, I need to plump up my soul with joy again…when that will be, only God knows.

My nights…my thoughts…my you…

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My nights are long and lonely. I miss you beside me, I miss you with me…I just miss you. I think of you often when I’m alone. I think of your touch, I think of your lips, I think of your body against mine…but no longer do I feel you. I am now alone with my thoughts, I am alone with the memories of what were once us. I am always thinking of you and your smile. My demons pour from me as I think of you…my body hot, my faucet watering. I can no longer contain me and alone I sit, me, myself, my memories that I penetrate myself with. Again and Again, I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep longing for you but I do. Over and over again, I think of you…my wicked grin across my face, my eyes darting closed…remembering us before it was just me.

It’s YOU I sever…

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Because you asked me to…because you said so…I just don’t know how you can chuck someone to the curb…I’m so fucked up right now and feel so alone. I hate people but I can never hate you. I am only good to someone for a few moments and then I am let go. What curse was placed upon me so that I only get to be happy for one moment and miserable the next?

I sever you because you don’t want me and you never will…I’m sorry I ever bothered you, I’m sorry I’m such a burden, I’m sorry I ever talked to you, I’m sorry that I am worthless to you, I’m sorry I ever loved you, and I’m sorry I even cared. I won’t make that mistake again with anyone…while I am severing you, I am severing me…I sever my heart, I sever my soul, I sever myself. I can’t rely on you anymore for anything. I can’t rely on anyone for anything. I have to rely on me and I can’t even do that when I am half a soul.

Good-Bye YOU…good luck in your life, may happiness find you, may love find you, its all I will ever hope for you. “So it’s you I sever” so you can be you without me…I love you.

I have separated my soul from yours…Goodbye my dear Mr. Smith…goodbye.

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Take the bullets away…

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Because you have all the power and I have none…my sunken heart, my shattered soul, my saddened spirit…its been hard these last few days. I’m not over you and it’s been hard because I know you are on your way to replacing me and well, I don’t want to replace you, not now, not ever…why oh why did you walk into my life and leave me wanting more…why oh why did you have to be you and leave me loving you…I don’t get it and I’m not happy. Nothing has changed on my end..upset for one day, taking care of me for one day, nothing more…back to the norm…why can’t you be my norm again? I need you, I want you, and you can take the bullets away…I’m so broken inside.

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Screaming These Lies…

THE LIES I TELL MYSELF:

You’re happy, you’re good enough, you’re worth it, you’re beautiful, I love me, life is great, you are loved, it will get better…

THE LIES YOU SEE:

My smile

TRUTH:

I’m miserable. Depressed, I miss you, I’m replaceable, I hate me, I’ll never be the same again…

Will my lies ever become truth and my truth my lies?

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Remedy

I saved your voice for a rainy day…the March 15th call that I ignored…halloween socks and treats for the eyes… Swollen memories and crying from laughing…you were my moment of happiness and I miss that…you are my remedy to a bad day and I know I was once yours…I miss you to death and knowing you are there but out of reach is killing me. My heart is sad, my eyes are sunken, my soul is shattered…I miss you, do you miss me?

Music, Pain, and everything in between

Music has been a huge part of my life lately. I have delved into darker Christian music and I love it. There has been an influence on me for that and I’m conflicted about everything I have been through. When the clouds clear you see people for who they really are and for that I have to turn to music to cope. Problem is the music I am coping with is from the one that held me captive for 3 months.

So the first song I found was “If I Break” by Red. I love this song and it says alot about how I feel and what I wanted to happen but not anymore. I know now if I do break, they won’t pick up any pieces but continue to smash my pieces into a million more, so that one day I won’t be able to put them all back together…

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All Around Me…

Someone very dear to me introduced me to the band Flyleaf. Their self title album from 2005 is pretty metaphoric for my wounded spirit. I love their music and have grown to obsessively play it. I have never enjoyed a female vocalist but I have really grown to love the voice of Lacey Strum. The final line of “All Around Me” is “Savoring this heart that’s healed.” What’s that? Does anyone really have a healed heart?

Life carves deep wounds into many of us and do we really let go of these wounds, do we really let them heal, or do they continue to bleed? My heart, my spirit, my soul is continually a changing mess. I am constantly being pulled in one direction or another. I’m not even sure what directions is right, which direction will heal these wounds. The person who I hold close to my heart, who introduced me to Flyleaf, has been a big part of me changing and healing some of these wounds. When you hate yourself and can’t stand to see who is in the mirror, its nice to have someone to remind you that God made you to be the best you. To have them remind you that you are beautiful and you that you are worth being here. Though my wounds are still in a state of healing, I wouldn’t be in the place I am today without him…thank you! You are my heart’s resting place and for that I am grateful. Our time together may be short lived, it may be an eternity, I don’t know, but I know that for what ever reason you are in my life, I cherish you, I love our time, and I love the smile you put on my face each day. I love you my dear friend and you will be forever be a page in my story of life. For these things I am thankful…

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Confusion

Stuck between two…don’t know which way to turn. Heart beating for you…not sure I want to continue the burn. Where am I going? what direction am I seeking? The devil on one side, salvation on the other.  I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m fighting with no place to go.

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I miss you…

Broken melodies flow from my head. You speak to me like im dead. I am here and I miss you…the torment I feel is the only happiness I know. Your lips are sweet, your hands are beauty. You prey on my emotional state to get what you want. A grim future awaits…you think the other side is greener but when you realize what you had, it might be to late. Don’t forget the happiness you deserve awaits you in my twisted heart.

Karma Fuels Me…

The karma you have is pretty apparent. You hold a gun with no trigger and all you want to do is shoot. I laugh because you think you are doing so well and you aren’t. You are crumbling on the inside and trying to look poised on the outside. Really did you think that abusing me would be a good idea? Forget that I even said hello to you. Your death wish is going to come quicker than you think.

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This is not your funeral…

The one that holds me captive has given me my love for music back. “Zombie” by We as Human continually haunts my spirit. I am asleep, living a sedated life, my fire is gone and not sure where I have gone. What am I fighting for? Right now I’m fighting for me. Fighting to know what the hell happened in the last few months, years of my life. The world is ever changing and not a constant but really why should we lose ourselves in its evolution. I know this is not my funeral but if you aren’t living your life are you really alive?

A haunted spirit of lies has grasped my tortured heart. The wounds are deep and they bleed profusely. I thought you were there to bandage me back up but you carved a deeper road into my already bleeding heart. What torture did you bring to me today? I do love the fire in your eyes but why are you stealing mine. I hear your laugh, I see your smile, but it was all stolen from me when I woke from the dream state you kept me in. I hurt for the me that used to be here, but it’s been so long, I’m not sure which me I long for. I am a troubled soul with much desire to wander in my aimless dreams. You drown me..the air is thin. Not worth breathing in the life that you present before me…take your spoiled self away from me. I can no longer see the road set out before me.

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Intro

This page is to be a place for my random thoughts, my hurts, my feelings, my desires, my everything. My life has been filled with much love and much pain. I am a Scorpio and with that comes a world of passion for many things. For people, for music, for love, for life…but that can also be a curse.

I place my heart in my hand for you to take but instead you crushed it. From the depths of pain I rise to live another day. You made me love and hate myself all in one breath. I conceal my pain and live in it daily. My world was created for me, by me, and you will never penetrate it again!