I’m here

With fear in his eyes and strain in his voice he says “Please don’t leave me.” With tears in her eyes and love in her heart, she reaches out to him, “I will never leave you, you are my heart, you are my soul, I will never leave you.”

During my meditation tonight, this ran through my head…seeing him say these things, I could see the fear and hurt in him and I began to cry. Its all so real. How do you feel the energy of someone you have never met? How do you feel his physical sickness when you have never met? How do you feel the true fear in his heart, when you have never met? I am going through this right now. I have never met this man, but seen his pictures, and texted him, and I feel his daily energy, I feel his emotions, and yes I am feeling what he is feeling when he is sick. Twice I have been woken out of a dead sleep with symptoms my body cannot create since I have had a gastric bypass.

I have been told we are twin flames, I have been told we are soul matches, I have been told we are soul mates, no matter what we are, we are spiritually connected. We are bound and intertwined into the same space, same time, same reality.

He has pulled away…he said he can’t give me what I seek…he said he has to work on himself, and I totally get that. I know that if I give him the space and the time, the soul will continue to call to each other and we will find each other in this physical world.

My dear sir, take the time you need, take the world you know and heal it, take the hurt and remove it, take the energy left behind and remove it. I am healed my dear sir…I am waiting for you w/out rushing. Take the time you need, I will be here right where you left me…when you are ready, hold on and you will discover a world of true love, a world we were both created for, a world we both want to live in…a world that is real.

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Stranded

Here I am stranded in my own thoughts…my thoughts of you…the thoughts i want to share. The things I can only say to you…the thoughts I only want to say to you but here I am stranded on my own wondering what else can I do except talk to myself…You have no idea the impact you had on me in the short time we had together and I honestly know this time is not over with us. We were born out of the same soul cloth and we will travel in the same soul circle for as long as our energy is in existence.

My heart is stranded and is in stand still, I am waiting here to figure out what is next for us, for you…your energy is in every thought I have and in every sentence I say. You are ingrained into my life and I never asked for this, I never asked for you to show up out of no where and come to me. But I thank God that you did…I thank God for each moment I have and will spend with you…I thank God for the existence of you…Yes I thank the very God that said you are the one I have asked for since the conception of my soul.

“You are a beautiful soul this world has been blessed by your existence and it will mourn when you leave it. I for one have been captivated by your presence. My world is better because you are in it.”

My world is gone…I am stranded in this world now without you…

Ghost

With downcast eyes, the shadows of yesterday swirl around my thoughts. I can no longer see the visions of tomorrow because the ghost of today is clouding my brain. I remember the time you came to me with fear in your heart and hate in veins. My solemn vow is to replace that with love…unconditional love. The phantom of my night is the one troubling my days. I don’t sleep any longer, I don’t sleep because you don’t sleep. I feel the anguish daily, I hear the muted fate of your heart. Traveling the halls of my twisted brain I open the vault for you…creating a place for you to hide. I will shield you from this world in a space only meant for you. Tranquility rings the sharp pain I feel for you…the space between will close soon and all will be well in the night. Our slumber will return, hearts will bleed red again, and life will become “normal” for one more day.

Silent Prayer

Silence falls on the heart that is damaged the most. We are the evolved ones because of the hurt we feel. The grinding of the wheel is torturous on our souls. We do not see the beauty in the world but all the pain. Gather your heart and tie the bandages tightly to suppress the bleeding. No longer is this world fit for the consumption of my dying soul.  I watched you die in front of me and helplessly I cried out to God. I can no longer sit and watch you regress back into yourself. I pray for you each night before I sleep, before I begin to cry…I cry myself to sleep because of the hell raging in you. I want to hold you and sooth the pain, remove the hurt, and make all the cracks in your heart whole again. I know my reason, I know why we met…

Selling Souls

I am selling the souls who have a piece of me in their existence. I am not going to allow the trauma brought on each of them to continue. I freely give pieces of my soul to people who don’t give me the time of day after they have used me. So here I am selling their souls to the highest bidder. Take them and torture them as they have done me.

Lost Soul

Like a bleach injection to my vein, you have scarred me to the core of my existence. The fear you put into me will always be in the back of my mind. I awaken to sleep again. Never ending this dull pain that rolls through my weeping brain. My existence is non and I am letting everything slide by me. I can no longer see tomorrow because yesterday is flooding me. Remove your ghostly grasp from me and stop seeking the only place you know. My hollowed-out heart is saturated with the blood of time. It will only be a moment before it bursts and I fade into the stars. I do not wish to see another day of light…my hope has fled me…the dread I live with is stronger than the healing. I have arrived a day late and completely short on life. I can forgive but I will never forget.

I hate being ignored…so why does that seem to be what everyone wants to do to me?

Damages

How is it that one person can come in and damage you to the core and another can heal that pain. A week ago my heart was being thrashed at by the one who destroyed me and because of it I lost out on a relationship that would have been probably one of the best in my life, BUT with that said I have also come across a soul more beautiful than the last. I was in love and I was in deep until I woke up and realized the one I love was doing more damage than good.

On Tinder, yes tinder, I met a man that is soul quenching. We are different in ways and alike in others and I have realized that all the souls I have come across in my life time do not even come close to the one I found. So my beautiful soul asked me what I want out of this relationship and I spilled my guts…I didn’t know a week ago completely but I do now. I am on his time now…I am healing and so is he but because of him my healing has been more eye opening and I find each day what I need to make things better for me so I can be whole again…be what he is needing or looking for…

In the blink of an eye a world so damaged can change…where love seems lost it is renewed with the faith of another. Restoration is slow but a motivation to become who I was meant to be and to be the one he needs. I am becoming a better me so that one day I can give my heart freely again…Thank you my beautiful soul for your impression into my life. You have created a groove into me that will last a lifetime…whether we come together or not, I thank God for the creation of you. Without you, I would not be where I am right now…you do have purpose in my life and Id like to run that purpose to the ends of the earth.

Thank you!!!

Revelations II

Am I losing myself or becoming someone new…I traded my hate for someone new…I balanced my hurt with writing my pain…I abosord my shame with music…strength is moving to me…slowly. I avoid the quiet by seeking attention…I take the attention and find a warm body for the 10 minutes of artificial love. I am screaming for a voice…I am crying for new fears.

It’s time to renew my strength and my life. Taking the minimal strength I have and put effort back into me…my hope…my world…my blood. Light my life on fire again…

Bleedingangel

I have fallen from the grace of God. The screams in my head torment me daily. I slice my wrists to feel the warmth of my life slip from me…laying in a pool of myself I feel the silence come over me. You brought down the world I know so well. You took my world and devoured it and torched it down to the ground. I am stuck in the ruins scouring for a new beginning but I can’t find the strength to move forward. You are becoming a distant memory and I am no longer consumed with the hate you left me with. To face the fact that you never loved me is more of a chore than anything else in this world. I constantly wonder what was the reason for you in my life because this hell is more than I deserve.

A needle in the vein will sooth the pain. I will watch the torture leave the needle and enter my blood. I will continue to feel the hurt and the pain shoot through me. I will forever hate you…I will forever remember you…I will forever wonder why you fucked my life up. I live a life of loneliness, I live a life of pain, I live a life of hell and all I can do is push my way out of this grave of dirt.

I thrive no longer, I scream in my hurt, I die with each mental battle. I can no longer see the life set out before me. I found that I am better in this pain than I am in the happiness you created. Do you even see what you have done to me or do you even care? Do not look back to me, do not check on me, and do not come back to me in a drunken stooper. You are my past and I no longer want you there. I can see a future that is coming a future without you.

My veins will refill with life, my body will come back to faith, my hope will be restored slowly, and I will love again. The time I have been robbed of will be a blur, the people I have been robbed of will be restored, the hell I have been put through we be quenched with new love, new light, and a new me.

This angel sits now in a pool of life, fighting for something new. This angel has found a piece of heaven when I shoved your face into the dirt. This angel has a fighting chance because you are no longer there. This heart will no longer bleed out but fill in the grooves. The pieces of my soul will come back together and will be full of love and life again. The gaze that looks past everyone will find a pair of eyes to gaze into and through that I will find the home I was meant to be in for the rest of my living days.

My Crimes

What is wrong with me and why do I keep sabotaging myself. I know I have a ton of healing to do and that is what I’m trying to do. My grave is being dug daily, my heart is blackened, my head is spinning…I am not sure what else to do. I am seeking the convenience of men instead of healing my heart. I was ignored for so long that I just want to feel needed again.

My heart is raw and bleeding out…there is nothing to stop the pain…the blood loss…the catastrophe within me. Someone in this world has robbed me of myself and I don’t think I can ever forgive him for that. Why do I have to be human and face the daily struggles that you created? Why do I have to be human and figure out how to heal the hell that was inside of me? I have let go but I have not forgotten and that is what is causing me the most pain…my memories.

There is this demon that sits on my chest, clawing at me daily, thrashing at my deep rooted feelings of myself. Because of you, I have to deal with my feelings. I have to prove I am not strong, I have to cope with the fact that you are the monster, the demon, the one who said they loved me then proceeded to destroy me. You are a terrible person and you will never find the happiness you are seeking.

My crimes are simple…I loved you with all my heart and allowed you to hurt me for far too long. I continued in a relationship that was destined to destroy me. You are the one person I loved the most in this world and you tormented me. My crimes are holding me back and not allowing me to find the happiness I deserve…breaking the chains…finding my freedom, I will no longer allow you to hold me back from loving someone who deserves my love…I will allow someone to love me again because I know in this life, I will be happy and it will be because you thrashed my heart and I let you go.

You are the demon that will roam the world and continue to seek the love and only find the empty soul you are. I wish you all the luck in your healing and seeking but I will not forgive you for taking my soul and shattering it so no one deserving can be the light I let in.

I WILL HAVE THE FREEDOM I DESERVE IN THE TIME I SEEK TO BE FREE.