I sit in quiet with my eyes closed and meditate on the future. I feel the clawing in my hands of the past coming through. I didn’t know the torment of the past would continue to haunt me. Dragged and beaten, my head is quiet and still waiting. The sting of my soul is no longer vibrate as it was. It’s missing one piece, it is missing you…There is nothing worse than the torture I feel of you being so far away. My days are long and my nights are sad. I can’t do anything other than think of you and wait.

I can’t breathe today, I literally can’t breathe. The lack of sleep is what is killing me or do I sleep too much. I have to pass my time with something better than the pain I feel. You are my remedy and I am yours. One day it will be swallowed and all of this will be long gone. A true smile will be seen and my heart will be red again. It will beat with pure love and I will never have to feel this way again. I am not going anywhere….not now, not ever, when you realize that, you can stop running from me…I’m yours!



Letter to God: Give it all to me

Dear God,

I ask of you to take all the burdens, the hurt, the upset, the depression, the sadnessĀ from the one I love the most and place it all on me. I am used to feeling this way, he should not be. He deserves to be happy, he deserves a better life, he deserves the world.

My heart breaks knowing how he is feeling and what he is going through. I don’t want him to ever feel this way. Please God, place it all on me. I can handle it. My yolk is heavy already so I can take on more pain and suffering. I will take on all his suffering so he doesn’t have to.

Please lighten his yolk so he can be happy again. Brighten his heart, sharpen his mind, and put love back in his soul.



The Chase

I chase you because I love you…I let you come backĀ because I love you…I will chase you until the day I die…I love you…what I know now, I can’t forget and because of it, I chase you.

My Heartstrings Come Undone
It’s buried deep within the past and I
Hope it doesn’t last
(It’s something I already chase, I already chase)
I try to give it all away, but it’s never going to fade
(It’s something I don’t want to face, I don’t want to face)
I know you feel it’s all the same
But I promise that I’ll change
(It’s something I already chase, I already chase)
You know I’m trying to believe
That you’re never going to leave
(It’s something I don’t want to face, I don’t want to face)
There’s nothing left
The fear is gone
And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you
I know I’m not the perfect one
And this pain has just begun
(It’s something I already chase, I already chase)
You bring me to a better path
And it’s everything I lack
(It’s something I don’t want to face, I don’t want to face)
And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you
If you fade out without me
Will you know all about me?
If you fade out without me
Will you know all?
And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you


The impressions placed on me are lasting. I knew what I felt was real. I knew what I felt was divine. You are the one I was meant to be with. You are the one who is my other half, you are the flame that draws me closer. Confirmation from the heavens is all I need. You left a lasting impression on me. You are my mirrored self…


My Dearest One,

Two months ago I could write pages about you and how I felt. Today that is hard to do. You left me sitting here in my own thoughts, wondering what just happened. We went through a lot, we shared the darkest parts of each of us, we bared our souls to each other. We became closer than any two people could get. I thought you were who I was searching for my whole life. I thought when you said you loved me, you meant it.

Two weeks ago you abandon me. No real reason was given, no real answer to why. I have always thought I was the problem. I always thought, “what is wrong with me?” Not here, it is all you. You have issues you need to fix. No one is perfect but you are broken and my healing wasn’t the remedy.

I spent many days in anguish, in pain, in misery over you, but not this last time. I felt different and still do. Yes, my love, I miss you terribly. Don’t get me wrong, I ache for you still. My love is real, was yours?

We came together for a reason, I got the strength to change my life from you. You showed me that I am worthy of happiness, you showed me, I am beautiful. You showed me in a twisted way, I am loved. You showed me there is more to this life than what I have going on.

I do understand why you left me.  You left me with a healing heart aching for the love I have been missing. You left me torn and broken. You left me sad and dying inside…you left me.

Now you ignore me. I know why too. We are so attached and so sinful that we need to separate. I know how easy it for us to get caught up in each other’s lusts. I still think about you and our time together. It may be in the past but it’s still fresh and raw for me.

I loved you with all my heart. I still do. Now at this very moment, I shed my first tears for you since you left. It hurts…it hurts a lot. I don’t know that I have truly loved anyone like I do you.

You can’t control who you fall in love with or the timing it all happens in. I just wish life was different than it was. Timing, location, freedom, and us. Life is not fair.

I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s going to be a hard and emotional one. I wish you were here to pull me through it, but I know you won’t be.  That kills me the most.

I hope you can forgive me. I had to get out from under your hold. I had to do something that would hurt the least. I do have the power to destroy you but I didn’t. I didn’t because I LOVE YOU. Sometimes I don’t show it well. That is because I am broken and twisted.

Time will heal me. Time may bring you back. Only God knows. Please know, it wasn’t all for nothing. It was all for a good cause…me.

Please take care of yourself and always know, when you are sad, when you are lonely, when you are at your lowest point,  I am here for you and I love you unconditionally.

Forever yours,