Am I losing myself or becoming someone new…I traded my hate for someone new…I balanced my hurt with writing my pain…I abosord my shame with music…strength is moving to me…slowly. I avoid the quiet by seeking attention…I take the attention and find a warm body for the 10 minutes of artificial love. I am screaming for a voice…I am crying for new fears.
It’s time to renew my strength and my life. Taking the minimal strength I have and put effort back into me…my hope…my world…my blood. Light my life on fire again…
I have fallen from the grace of God. The screams in my head torment me daily. I slice my wrists to feel the warmth of my life slip from me…laying in a pool of myself I feel the silence come over me. You brought down the world I know so well. You took my world and devoured it and torched it down to the ground. I am stuck in the ruins scouring for a new beginning but I can’t find the strength to move forward. You are becoming a distant memory and I am no longer consumed with the hate you left me with. To face the fact that you never loved me is more of a chore than anything else in this world. I constantly wonder what was the reason for you in my life because this hell is more than I deserve.
A needle in the vein will sooth the pain. I will watch the torture leave the needle and enter my blood. I will continue to feel the hurt and the pain shoot through me. I will forever hate you…I will forever remember you…I will forever wonder why you fucked my life up. I live a life of loneliness, I live a life of pain, I live a life of hell and all I can do is push my way out of this grave of dirt.
I thrive no longer, I scream in my hurt, I die with each mental battle. I can no longer see the life set out before me. I found that I am better in this pain than I am in the happiness you created. Do you even see what you have done to me or do you even care? Do not look back to me, do not check on me, and do not come back to me in a drunken stooper. You are my past and I no longer want you there. I can see a future that is coming a future without you.
My veins will refill with life, my body will come back to faith, my hope will be restored slowly, and I will love again. The time I have been robbed of will be a blur, the people I have been robbed of will be restored, the hell I have been put through we be quenched with new love, new light, and a new me.
This angel sits now in a pool of life, fighting for something new. This angel has found a piece of heaven when I shoved your face into the dirt. This angel has a fighting chance because you are no longer there. This heart will no longer bleed out but fill in the grooves. The pieces of my soul will come back together and will be full of love and life again. The gaze that looks past everyone will find a pair of eyes to gaze into and though that I will find the home I was meant to be in for the rest of my living days.
What is wrong with me and why do I keep sabotaging myself. I know I have a ton of healing to do and that is what I’m trying to do. My grave is being dug daily, my heart is blackened, my head is spinning…I am not sure what else to do. I am seeking the convenience of men instead of healing my heart. I was ignored for so long that I just want to feel needed again.
My heart is raw and bleeding out…there is nothing to stop the pain…the blood loss…the catastrophe within me. Someone in this world has robbed me of myself and I don’t think I can ever forgive him for that. Why do I have to be human and face the daily struggles that you created? Why do I have to be human and figure out how to heal the hell that was inside of me? I have let go but I have not forgotten and that is what is causing me the most pain…my memories.
There is this demon that sits on my chest, clawing at me daily, thrashing at me deep rooted feelings of myself. Because of you, I have to deal with my feelings. I have to prove I am not strong, I have to cope with the fact that you are the monster, the demon, the one who said they loved me then proceeded to destroy me. You are a terrible person and you will never find the happiness you are seeking.
My crimes are simple…I loved you with all my heart and allowed you to hurt me for far too long. I continued in a relationship that was destined to destroy me. You are the one person I loved the most in this world and you tormented me. My crimes are holding me back and not allowing me to find the happiness I deserve…breaking the chains…finding my freedom, I will no longer allow you to hold me back from loving someone who deserves my love…I will allow someone to love me again because I know in this life, I will be happy and it will be because you thrashed my heart and I let you go.
You are the demon that will roam the world and continue to seek the love and only find the empty soul you are. I wish you all the luck in your healing and seeking but I will not forgive you for taking my soul and shattering it so no one deserving can be the light I let in.
I WILL HAVE THE FREEDOM I DESERVE IN THE TIME I SEEK TO BE FREE.
You came like a thief in the night. A beautiful soul wanting to heal the wounds of destruction. There was peace in our quiet…there was a connection that ruptured a lot in me. I fear you and all that can be…No one has ever come into my life and genuinely said they wanted me and wanted to take care of me. I know that I put you through hell trying to figure out what I want and I know that I don’t deserve anything from you at this point but please know that I have figured things out…The heart is a dangerous game and its caged in our chests for a reason…they are wild creatures and I know this all too well. I will sell my body easily but not my heart. It should never be that way…I am sorry it seemed to be this way. You my dear deserve the best and deserve someone to love you whole heartedly. I am thankful for this meeting, I am thankful for the time I got with you, and I am thankful that my world is better place for knowing you…even in the small bit of time.
May the time taken from you be filled with all the love this world is capable of giving you. You do deserve someone to take care of you and love you just as much as you do them. I am sorry for robbing you of the moments that should have been given to someone more deserving…I am grateful for them but should not have taken them from you. For what it’s worth, you helped me heal in a way…I do know what I want now and if it’s with you or not, I can put in the effort I should have with you.
May the infinity of time shared with your heart be the time you remember most.
Rancid is the heart that beats in my chest. It continues to search for you…. it continues to search for the heart that beats at the same rhythm, your rhythm. The cavernous canals are starting to fill in. Scars are starting to fall away. Prepareing for the day you show up and put all the pieces back together.