Drained

I am so mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. This morning, I realized, I don’t matter at all in this…all the hearts at stake and mine doesn’t matter. The craters in my soul deepen each day and I allow this to happen. I pray for something to move in my life and instead of up, it’s a continuing downward spiral. I don’t understand all this. What did I do to deserve the punishment I am receiving.

Please, God, move this mountain…out of my heart, off my chest, and out of my mind.

Life is to short to continually feel the way I feel all the time. I want to matter to someone, I want to be happy but it never fails and the world around me smiles while I sit and watch. Drenched in sorrow, I will wait until everyone leaves because that is what everyone does…leaves me.

I have beat myself up my whole life. I have never really felt the warmth of the sun on my face, the moonlight never shines in my eyes, or the wind blows through me. I am numb and will continue this all the days of my life.

For just one fucking day, would someone pretend they care, just one, that is all I am asking.

The catacombs of my heart will remain empty and clueless. I am sewing my heart shut and blinding my eyes to a world that will never exist for me. That was made clear to me. Every day this is made clear to me. I don’t matter and never will…thank you for letting me know. I might have actually fought for something that I thought existed.

I have nothing left to give…I am broken…I am numb…I am over this.